quirkyspellbinder

a treatise on longing.

2009-11-08T21:39:00.008+08:00

if you think im proud, perhaps i should explain. i cudnt bear to lose you, again.

on the topic of besties.
e reason tt actualli demoralised me was bt e fact tt 1. ur goin sap n me, knowin, bt nt frm u urself. i noe its a petty issue. bt i dunnoe y it made me felt lyk i wasnt tt important. *blow fringe* tt 2. e reason y im in tis tink is mainly, and still is, cz of u. tt 3. nt tt i dun ve e nds. evry1 is suppose 2 start out cz of it, bt as 4 me, mine is nt tt strong. n wen i sae tt, i mean, i dun want it tt badly. i do want it. bt if i dun ve it, i cud still make do w/o it. if u realli still noe me well, i wudnt want to do tis pn. its neva my kind of tink. tt is all cz of u tt im doin it. tt 4. i look up to u & mr. fiance. both of u r sum1 to me. tt u 2, u r lyk a tack team, 2 me. bt u r nt there. it ok i understand bt at times, it gets frustratin. yes, e rest r helpin me bt nt tt im nt grateful or tt im proud, bt wt i wud realli want is e 2 of u. cz ur suppose to be my bestfren, ur suppose to b my upline n him, hes suppose to b e 1 supportin behind it all. jus lyk hw it has all been b4. n tt 5. ive lost u, as my bestfren. cz eva since u started tis, as much as i hate sayin tis, u r nt e same eva since. him too. to me. tis tink is suppose to bring us closer, lyk hw it has been 4 me & e others bt instead, i feel lyk im driftin apart frm e 2 of u.

as for e other.
i dun want to fight any more. or wteva it is tts happenin nw between e 2 of us, cn it stop. ive seriously forgotten wt we were fightin abt. wt is actualli goin on, cn u pls enlighten me. cz i hate gettin tt relieved n den tt irritated feelin weneva i gt ur msg. stop tellin me tt ive changed cz u werent there to notice it anymore. stop sayin we are frenz hu r not actin lyk 1. stop makin me feel lyk its all cause of me we are lyk tis at e 1st place. gawd. i used to be able to tell u anytink n everytink. nw, to even send a simple hi msg, i ve to tink twice, jus in case u decide to gt smart & start w me. im sori bt i ve had enuff.

im tired of makin myself heard. bt its nice to noe tt im able to lay evrytink out here, n me, hopin tt sumhow tis reaches each of u & tt u wud understand. bt id like it very much if ud try to make me see ur perspectives too. w/o me havin to feel tt im nt up to seein u yet. tt i still cun c u yet. or u, tt i cud hear ur side w/o bein felt lyk im e bad 1.

and on the topic of him.
hes nt xactly e most average person. n ppl might tink im tryin to b brave or tt im jus plain crazy. *roll eyes* tell me abt it. he was alot of tinks to alot of ppl. bt up till todae still, 4 e life of me, dunno wt he is, to me. all fair pts, 1 tink tt i will always do is tt i believe, against all odds, in e best of him. i love him. and as long as i still do, i believe he'll change cz .. cz .. i dunnoe. cz i love him. it might nt mean anytink to him, me sayin all tis. it might jus b magical comfort food 4 e weekend bt its ok. cz life, there r no gurantees. so tts wt ive been doin n m still doin. im riskin luv. n if eva, *cross fingers*, if eva it didnt turn out e way i hoped itd b, of cz im gonna feel hurt in btwn. bt any pain id feel cud neva eva compare to e regret id feel walkin away frm luv. gt my pt? as for nw, all i want is ..... sumtink. i want him to sae sumtink or do sumtink tt proves to e rest tt tis hasnt all been sum kind of elaborated joke. tts all.

all of u might tink im full of it. bt i tink im jus fed up. all of u might tink i can be so arrogant. bt i tink im jus tryin to keep my head up. sumtimes its lyk ive had enuff of all tis, n tts e very reason y im on e verge of givin everytink up most of e time. bt e onli tink tts makin sure tt i dun, is faith. n believe. cz i ve no doubt tt we cud all work tis out.

as for now, its just me, against the world.

happy nurses day!

2009-07-31T11:17:00.003+08:00

on this dae, i always feel proud to be a nurse.
at the hospital, in a ward, its a battlefield. and there are definitely hierarchies of command. the patients, ey r e ones doin their tour of duty. e doctors breeze in and out lyk conquerin heroes, bt ey need to read ur charts n case notes to remember where ey last left off frm e previous visit. it is e nurses who r e seasoned sgts- e ones hu r there wen ur shakin w such a high fever; ud need to be bathed in ice, e ones hu teach e patient's caregiver hw to feed through the nasal gastric tube n how to turn the patient. e nurses noe e name of family members, e patient's quirks n all. e doctors may be mappping out e war games, but it is e nurses hu make e conflict bearable. u gt to noe em, as ey noe u.

its a cliche, bt e reason i became a nurse in e 1st place was bcoz of my late grandma. i ve always wish i understand wt was goin on then so tt i cud be of any help. bt nw, since ive undastood, i wud want to help ppl. n i wonder if wt im doin nw is juz my true nature. helpin ppl.
i became a nurse because i wanted to help ppl. bt i sud ve been more specific. i should have named names.

sumtimes wen u gt too close to ppl, u gt immuned to em. n u want to be reminded of their presence, ud do anytink to capture it. i remember gettin his colonge, perfume, every scents- rite dwn to which detergent n fabric softener his mum is usin 4 his family. nuts i noe. but once u gt all tis for urself, n each time u catch a whiff of e scent, ull remember him. its lyk as if havin him close to u. n i might nt achieve e same as to hwever he smell lyk bt i was close. coz my mum tot it was unnecessary to be changin e type of fabric softener our family ve been usin. shrug. den it gt hard, cz wen we r no longer 2gether, there r others ard usin it. nw, wen ive gotten over him, n wen mum finally decide to change, every once in a while wen i caught e whiff of e scent, ill b thinkin to myself tt tt scent was once sumtink i was crazy abt.
e bottom line, is tt we neva fall 4 ppl we r nt supposed to. cz until tis moment, i had nt realized tt sum1 cud break ur heart twice, along w e very same fault lines.

gawd, im such an emotional crack these daes. n im soo tired, im so glad im goin away 4 e wkend.

don't provoke the rage of a patient person.

2009-07-15T03:45:00.005+08:00

don't rely on others for your own happiness.
i tink there r crossroads in our lives wen we make grand, sweepin decision w/o even realizin it. juz cz, at tt point of time, it was realli e easiest way. bt if looked back at, do u tink tt reason alone is enuff??

lyk u wish to gt a cup of coffee, wud u lyk it if sum1 gt u a cup of plain water instead? cz its easier, no preparation, juz need to pour. lyk wen u want to pay 4 sumtink using cash, wud u lyk it if e cashier insist on u payin by NETS cz its easier. ey dun ve to go thru the hassle of countin out e change. or lyk, while ur puttin every possible effort in to make sometink work, wud u lyk it if e very person ur doin all tt for decides to walk out of ur life, w e easiest reason tt he doesnt ve time 4 u?

but den again, since wen r we given e option to gt wts easiest?
imagine walkin all e way dwn to e end of e street, badly needin tt shot of caffeine dwn ur system, onli to b served w water instead.
imagine havin to queue juz to deposit e balance cash, juz so there's enuff to be deducted 4 ur bill.
imagine, undastandin n nt complainin a word, onli 2 find out its all unappreciated.

it jus goes to show how much ur willin 2 sacrifice. but if u want to make it work, lyk u said u'd, u ve to do ur part too, m i nt rite? hold on to ur words, cz talk is cheap. a promise is nt as gd as a deed my dear.

n wt do i want in a guy?
i want sum1 hu can make me hapi. dancin-on-air hapi. sum1 hu loves me w every single beat of his heart. hus will be there wen i nd him. sum1 hu can make me feel safe, treat me w respect n hu undastands me.
i want a guy hu dun make himself up. sum1 hu cud hang out n be himself. tts wt i want most.

n if u realli want me, u'd ve to do betta den juz talkin. if u want me, pls noe tt im nt a piece of ass, a 1 nite stand, a storage cheque.
i dun need material tinks, im nt a gold digger. i ve my own. i juz want sumtink real.

but eventually, if all tis contd w/o any progress, im afraid i'll b cutted up into so many pieces, tt there wun b enuff of me to put back 2gther. wen tt happens, which i hope it wun, i hope ud finally wake up n learn ur lesson.

but between nw n den, i hope its all worth it. wen u loved me 1st. before u told me u loved me 1st.

i guess, better is open rebuke then hidden love.

2009-07-09T03:30:00.002+08:00

all endings are also beginnings. we just don't know it at the time.
its 3:30 am n in still awake. gawd i cun slp!!! my eyes r still brite. pfft~ lucky im on pm shift 2mrw. or nt. n work nw, *slow sigh*. im up to my ears w tinks. thank u sista for promotin me, (i consider myself lucky all e time. frm e time i start work up till 2dae.) bt can i pls slow dwn abit. *scratch head* too much tinks, soo little time. but guess tts 1 of e wake up calls 4 me. to start workin hard lyk i earnd it.
u noe, i dun lyk ppl hu r competitive. ambitious ppl, w their eye on e prize instead of e task in hand. ppl hu wanted 2 b e best 4 all e wrg reasons n hu'd take almost any path to get to tt place. beine best equal as bein in e middle, which was equal as bein e worst. all were merely a state of bein.
ppl hu were constantly lookin over their shoulders, always look at wt e nxt person is doin, comparin themselves. lookin 2 achieve greater tinks, always wantin2 b betta. n e entire pt of me sayin all tis, was to say tt ppl u constantly looked over their shoulders, bumped into tinks. tts nt gd. u ve 2 remember u ve other responsibilities.
u need to keep ppl close. u need to gif em access to ur heart. not all. jus e ones u trust it w. n believe me itll do u soo much gd.

what we didnt need to know, we didnt need to ask. some people just dont quite get the gist of that.

a little impatience spoils great plans.

2009-06-22T14:03:00.001+08:00

when someone lets you down, don't give up on him.
wake up calls cums in diff forms. there r many types of wake up calls, bt onli 1 tt holds any importance.

when you lose, learn a lesson.

2009-06-18T11:17:00.004+08:00

the only way to never get dissappointed is to expect nothing sab. remember that.
i dunnoe y, 4 e life of me, wat exactly happened to me last nyte. n poor mr advisor's sleep had to be interrupted just so i ve a few min of sum1's divided attention to layan me n my emo fits. n tts hw he received a mish call.
but wt wud u ve said sud he answered sab? juz coz sum1 gave u e moral boost to do it, u noe u sudnt. n let it be know that ur not that strong? ur juz lucky he didnt ans.

and so i gave myself yet another unneccesary build-up to a later let-down. bt what can i say. rules must be obeyed.

and tis was the main cause of the sudden downpour.

was i ever loved by you?

2009-05-10T11:13:00.001+08:00

in time.
dun u eva wonder y we were made w a finite capacity for pleasure but an infinite capacity 4 pain? our ceiling 4 pleasure is low but the floor 4 pain is bottomless. but rite nw, i juz want to bring u down so badly. in e worst way.

if this isn't love, tell me what it is.

2009-04-29T14:07:00.018+08:00

an open letter.

dear you,
i know this is very random. ive been meaning to do this though. i could have msged you but i know itll end up with endless pages, and i know how much of you not being a fan of long msgs. or that i could say it to you face to face but then i'll forget all that i wanted to say when i finally do. so im doing this. plus, what if this is the only chance i got?

sometimes, no matter how much we want something, we are restrained or we lack the means to get it and so we are bound by factors which are all beyond our control. which then means we wouldnt be able to do exactly what we wanted to at the 1st place. instead, we have to settle for a little bit less and hope for the best.

and fate has a funny way of making us realize which things in our life to prioritize, which to forget & which to keep. more then ever, im convinced this haven't gotten me anywhere, and i know i am not making any sense yet here. i bet you must be wondering what exactly am i trying to get across. the thing is, so many questions have been clouding my mind and despite all that, it seems that you are the only one who made me risk and trust that much.

and its just that, right now, i want to finally give in & tell you what i've always wanted to tell you, i miss you. and all the other tinks u made me feel & do but more than anything, i mish having your presence around.

there's a different kind of comfort & uneasiness i feel when im with you. the kind that tells me that nothing is wrong but nothing is right either. and its was crazy, really, bein so excited. we've been out, a few phone calls. but, i don't know, for the life of me, why im always nervous & having palpitations whenever we'll be meeting.

and and i know how your ....... alot. ( i don't know what word to use here to describe it. unhapi? unsatisfied? unsettled?) and mayb it might not help anytink, bt i wanted you to know that im always here. i won't let you down. (wow, that sounds corny. but you know that, right?) and you need to keep ppl close, do you know that? you need to give them access to your heart. no matter how strong you think you are, you would need to do that. course, sooner or later, it'll won't do you any good. so what im trying to say here is that, whatever it is, you can have me to rely on. (though i cudnt shake the fear that there's always a catch.)

hweva, my onli regret nw is tt i keep failin to tell you what i feel everytime. and each time when you ask, ill hesitate on tellin you wat i m feelin n den i kept lettin e moment pass; den i'll let go of evrything. and wts even worst, i dunnoe wt exactly to do nw except to write you tis letta, & hope it reaches you & to wish tt my words wud find a way 2 make you feel special. to me.

the best feelings are the hardest to say; the best moments, even harder to describe but i would like to try. i am not keeping my hopes up. i am not counting the times you make me smile, but i keep on looking back at them. and if those were for friendliness' sake, then that small part of you may be the very reason for this feeling. then that part of you may be all that i need. and surprisingly? ~~only you can get away with making me feel like that.~~

i couldn't explain it, but could you? its a tiny million things that made things change.

still ... ~~all i want to know is that i'm someone you'll be missing always. like how i'm missing you.~~

p/s: you are everything i want cause you are everything i m not.

a good laugh & a good long sleep are the best cures to almost everything, trust me.

2009-03-14T17:51:00.006+08:00

but first lets see if your intellectual matches up with your physical.
i tot ill ve 1 more dae till its back to boredom- work, bt tt was a rude awakenin. was rostered to start nyte yst. n so i was super late. 1st dae back to work, n ur late. nice one sab. plus ive juz woken up. luckily i listend to my instincts to go take a shower. if not, super super late. damn. bt oh well, work wasnt tt bad last nyte. comparin. *thinkin* did floaterin so i was still given e chance to slowly cum out frm my bubble. =0)
anw so, tell u. my 6 daes leave was all e way- awesome fun-ness!! *dancin-on-air-hapi* all thanks to hu else bt nt amal, n fiance shah. n some tt shall nt b named. dbl o, nak lag nak lag!! hehe
den its thanx to hana. =0)
n lastly.... him. hmm so my leave wasnt tt wasted, after all. shrug.

ill show u all e actions sn, i guess. bt dun ve most of em, m waitin 4 e pics. so shameen!! pics pls!! hehe

p/s: do u mean wt u sae?

do not overuse the word "no"

2009-02-20T11:39:00.013+08:00

came across tis while switchin channels. tot its an advertisement. nobody by wonder girls. haha mal !!! look c look c!!! ~you noe i still love u baby. & it will neva change. i want nobody, nobody bt u. *point,clap,clap,point,clap* i want nobody, nobody bt u. ~ LOL enjoy! sori i cun stp e background music 4 u tho.

great love & great achievements involve great risks.

2009-02-16T01:31:00.002+08:00

its only human to have secrets. but its just as human to reveal it sooner or later.
have u eva had to go thru situations in life tt knock u rite off ur feet, makin u fall 2 e ground? and nw all tt u r doin is juz sittin, while bein surrounded w e ppl in ur life, hus makin u fall at e 1st place, n whom r all nw waitin 4 ur nxt action?
n none of em is offerin any help to gt u up, instead all r juz waitin & lookin, while carryin on w their life. while u sit there tinkin, " tis is so unfair."
bt tts e prob, u cun gt up cz u dunnoe wats ur nxt action suppose 2 b. its lyk, u want to bt u cun even budge. cz if u do, all ard u, ppl r expectin u 2 go their way, which u wud gladly do. but u cun do tt cz u can onli follow 1 n e others r bound to gt hurt, if ey r nt, n even more hurt if ey ve already been b4.
n while sittin, till u make ur decision, ur forced to feel so many emotions tts wearin u out n makin tinks complicated.
have you ever?

but love didnt work that way. so i've decided.
cz once u cared abt a person, it was impossible to be logical anymore. bt i tink i noe wt im goin to do abt tt. bt i dunnoe where to start. hw m i suppose to xplain tis? tt all tis while i tot tt if i lose e highs, at least im spared e lows. bt i wasnt happi, bein lyk tt. i noe i was bein very careful w u. n if it didnt show, den u might tink i wasnt intrested den. n ive told u once b4, once bitten twice is shy. i made e same mistake twice. n i didnt want u 2 b e 3rd. cz i didnt want to gt myself hurt again. bt nw, im goin to take tis risk. i dun want to be feeble. ur nt, cz u do tinks ur way. sumtimes i wish im abit more lyk u.
to him: cause it has always been your name i'm hoping to see, each time my phone starts vibrating.

a promise is not as good as a deed.

2009-02-02T12:54:00.005+08:00

somebody's somebody.
we r all lookin 4 1 person hu will gif us wat we're lackin in tis life. & if we dun manage to find him, we can onli pray tt he will find us.

to u,
are u tt scared to hang out & b urself? y cun u be lyk hweva u r wen we r ard frenz, wen ur juz w me? or mayb tts e reason y we rarely hang out, juz e 2 of us. & most of e time i kindda gt e impression tt all those tt u've said was probably juz talk, but it felt gd. n there's no way in knowin wt ur tinkin exactly n i realli hope ur nt a man of a few words. tt ull tell me all tts in ur mind. wateva im feelin 4 u- & wat i feel, id juz contemplated, was abit of a revelation to me- i hardly noe u. i dunnoe wt u want. n its crazy, u noe. bein excited n xtremely nervous each time we r abt 2 meet. we ve been out several times. most of those had been w frenz, where conversation btwn juz e 2 of us was almost impossible. n comparin den n nw, ur my type. bt i dunnoe. im so confuse rite nw.

y m i makin it hard 4 myself? i noe im a little more careful nw, perhaps it shows. bt lyk wt ey sae, if i lose e highs, at least im spared e lows. funny isnt it, hw 1 moment can change a million afta it. n if u tink im proud den perhaps i sud xplain. i cun bare to lose u again.

X marks the spot.

2008-12-28T13:00:00.007+08:00

Experience is the best teacher.
or so they think. ok i guess it is true, in a way. but i dun tink tt phrase applies 4 me. if realli experience is the best teacher, i wun den b doin the same mistakes again n again, hopin to make it rite tis time round, wud i? but tts e prob itself dun u tink? im too stubborn to noe tt its wrong n tt i sudnt even risk the possibilitites. ive been bruised n broken before.

for starters, tis is me. ask my besties. amal especially. im very sure she had her fair share of tryin to talk me out of even being close sud she ever see a possible candidate hus capable of breakin my heart. she still is doin it nw. rite mal? *winks* but i dun blame her. i love her for that. i'll do e same too sud ever tt were to be her instead. but im sab. i epitomize the word stuborn. full of contradiction, not practisin wat i preach.

u noe, sumtimes i wonder. why dun i juz learn all my lessons all those times before? why dun i spare myself, n my besties, e trouble of pickin me up again n again? cause to tell u e truth, i dun even noe why. i cun put my fingers into it. why i cun juz walk away. why cun i follow my conscious to get down off tis. n i have tis prob of prefer-ing to see the positive side of ppl. its not cause of the tinks tts have happened, or the stuff tt we've done. no, im nt stayin, refusin to budge just because of all tt reasons. (which i noe mal, are all the reasons y i sud stay away.) no, im stayin coz there's just sumtink bt him. him, hus gettin n makin me crazier each dae, n u'd tink i'll listen tis time. no, i dun care. i love u mal, support me on tis pls.

do we keep searchin for wat our heart tells us is rite? n our heart, i think tt sumtimes wat it tells us is right. exaggerated. bcoz it might be unattainable. n therefore, all e more attractive rite? all e more u wud want to make it happen. whateva it is tt ur heart tells u is right, while others tells u its clearly wrg.
n its hard to be sure how far u can noe another person wen u perceive em onli thru e prism of ppl's perception.

p/s: i start my posts with phrase tt are connected to what im about to post. a sinopsis of my post should i say. X marks the spot. *winks*

intuition is often as important as the fact.

2008-12-13T03:57:00.004+08:00

the truth is never simple.
HAPI 23RD ANN my dear parents!! mak, theres definately sumtink ur nt taechin me. lyk how e 2 of u do it? wen e longest r'ship ive been in is onli 4 2yrs. im nt makin myself sound so incapable; sumtimes r'ship gts ill, no doubt. bt sumtimes i wonder, hw can other ppl do it? i wish it cud all b simple. lyk a retro pop song, "i want u to want me." BOOM! end of story, we all live happily ever after. but, its neva reali lyk tt, is it?

instilling so much doubt, it makes me so tired.
i m feelin soo uninspired rite nw as my head is battlin w my heart. my head is ALWAYS battlin w my heart, wats new sab. bt can sumbody enlighten me on tis pls. y issit guys, ey lyk to go ard n nt stay? y, cun ey cum n nt go? yes, i noe, ive heard e reasons more den once before. theres much more important tinks tt ey want to achieve 1st. lyk a dream to fulfill n wtnts. bt ey do noe ey r nt e only ones wantin tt, rite? we gals 2. n on top of tt, we gals r e 1st tts workin full time n havin all those responsibilities, bt y can we accept e responsibilities & pressure & obligation n nt stray. i wonder y guys cun b e same. surely, i m e sane one? there is no way 2 noe wat guys r reali tinkin. tts y if i ve 1 wish, i wish i ve e ability to read ppl's mind. can i ve tt 4 my bdae pressie?? e ability to read ppl's mind. tt way, i can save myself e trouble, hurt & embarassment.

p/s: ive heard abt u b4. i want to noe some more. dun cum n go pls. i need to noe all abt u so i can c wt u mean to me.

he who cheat others, cheats himself.

2008-12-11T03:27:00.008+08:00

i'm extraordinary. if you ever get to know me.
introducin me.
- i m definately NOT most gals.
- i LOVE to dance. sumtink i love doin juz 4 fun. consider it as a hobby.
- n i love to read too. if u muz noe, cecelia ahern n nicholas spark n sophie kinsella r my top 3 fav. authors.
- i ADORE chicken. *lick lips* bt not those crispy ones pls.
- oh oh & strawberry milk tea too. if these 2 doesnt cheer me up weneva im dwn, den nth or nobody else can. HINT ppl!! save u e trouble.
- sugar, spice n all tinks nice. & swt tt is. i ve a VERY very swt tooth.
- im e onli person in e world hu cun sing for nuts. it'll rain if i do sing. seriously. okay mayb e onli person in e world hu admits it. *smile proudly*
-i HATE FLOWERS. another hint guys. i noe its lyk a romantic gesture but *buzzer sound* no can do for me.
- i dislike fights. try my very best to avoid havin one or bein in one.
- dramatic. LOL bt arent we all??
- im e noisy kind of shy. e worst kind, i guess. bcoz no one noes tt noisy can be shy. but it cud, n i m. =0D
- im stubborn.
- i work hard & play hard too. so dun let it be said im wild, in a bad way.
- sumtimes i might gt a lil carzy. but i dun eva tink im out of hand.
- i LOVe takin long bus rides, alone. tts e onli time i tink abt most tinks. my life, ppl hu in it, my future.
- n i love makin notes. if or weneva a tot cums into my mind at any one time, i'll write it dwn.tts y i cun live w/o my hp. my drafts is full of my nonsense.
- im deep, mayb. bt i m nt complicated.
- but if it helps, i tink im predictable. at least 1 person tinks tt i m. pfft~
- my fav colours r red n dark green.
- im e 2nd of 4 of my parents' daughters, born on 26 dec 1987. boxin dae, e dae tsunami hits. hweva u remember tt, bt remember it!!

p/s: i never pretend to be sumtink im not. u gt wat u c wen u c wat ive gt. who r u??

it is easy to betray yourself.

2008-12-09T21:11:00.006+08:00

place a high value on yourself. and then prove that your worth it.
happy 18th nani!! my sis dah legal seh. haha LOL enjoy ur dae gal. haf fun.anw ive realized i ve a crazy family. no scratch tt, ive known tt fact long ago. n i dun need remindin on tt, thank u very much. bt gawd, along can be soooo irritatin sumtimes. juz lyk sakura. its no wonder e both of em can be in e same room. n yes along, if u muz noe, yes ive realized all those nt-acknowledgin-you times wen u walked into our room or us havin e need 2 hush weneva u popped ur head in. w all due respect, im closer to nani. im sure you noe tt.
dun b hard on urself. we dun hate u. we juz dun agree on most tinks. n e reason y we dun share w u is bcoz ey r tinks we wudnt want our parents to noe. well nt yt. wen we r ready, we'll tell em ourselves. n we noe perfectly well tt if u noe, ull go n tell em. juz lyk sakura. u might tink ur helpin but ur nt. tt or u wun understand. n u wun gif support. its nt lyk i havent tried. i ve but u broke my confidence. n u always sae u wudnt want to b lyk mak. bt we ve her bld in us. u have her's e most. lyk 80%. all those shoutin n throwin tinks, tink b4 u act pls. pfft~ i lyk tt iron noe. n no offence bt i sumtimes tink u dun act lyk e eldest. sumtimes i wish i m. mayb den i cud go n do all e rebellin 4 tinks tt our parents usually frown upon. tt way e rest of u can follow suit w ease.

a promise is not as good as a deed.

2008-11-30T12:49:00.002+08:00

how you say something maybe more important than what you say.
cecelia ahern's new book is out!!!! the gift!!! *fannin* ok, thanks to faiz for tellin me. =0p ARGH!! haf 2 go get it 2dae!!! must so go n get it n read it b4 any1 else. *evil laugh, rubbin hands*

set both short and long term goals.

2008-11-26T11:12:00.003+08:00

sorry always seems to be the hardest word, especially if its to your parents.
cz as much as i want to be hapi, i haf to jage hati my parents too. think sab think.

don't let being tired stop you.

2008-11-24T03:10:00.005+08:00

reason above everytink else.
im back!! well at least i tink i m. while waitin 4 me 2 start turning, blog jap. hehe sempat sab. *yawn* i wud luv 2 b hm nw n go 2 bed. i m so slpy. 2nite's my last nite so i dun haf 2 work 4 another 2 daes. slpin dae, dae off, such bliss. e prob is tt wen im free, he'll b bz workin. arent he always. its been 10 daes since i last saw him, i mish him. (i noe i noe, too soon to sae) n e last time i reali tok 2 him on e fon was god noes wen. cz e min he start workin, id lost him. til he cum back 4rm whereva his work brought him to. i noe its hard 4 ppl w ns army bf hus away on outfield w/o any contact, bt comparin to tis, knownin e fact tt hes onli a few mins away, is harder. he's nt even ur bf to start w sab. y so insecured? e 2 of us dun haf e most sociable hrs in e world. but im nt complainin. i cud gt use to tis.

you lost me at hello.

2008-10-12T07:23:00.002+08:00

the key to failure is trying to please people.
no1 lyk doin nyte nw. once ppl c ey r rostered to do a rd of nyte, ey either try to sell it off or wish ey r seein their roster wrgly. i m 1 of em. bt if u dun want it, wt makes u tink others wud. a few yes but mostly no. so u haf no choice bt 2 go thru it. n i always cheat my own feelings durin my nytes. anytink 2 help me gt thru. 4rm e possibility of gettin to meet up w e gals on my slpin dae/ dae off, to e fact tt ill gt 2 spent time at hm. crap kn i noe. bt nytes nw ....... *roll eyes, shake head* bt y?? i wonder. is it bcz we r gettin slower or is it e work load is gettin heavier??

when you love someone so much, there's so much further to fall.
i gif up lookin. bt im nt content sumtimes. tt 2 cn nt go 2gther. it gifs u e funniest feelin. n u wudnt noe wt to do 2 make it go away.

dear my mr. right,
hueva u r, ur nt here yt bt its ok. i cn promise u tt its alrite. n if u dun take too long, i will wait 4 u all my life.

p/s: i wonder wat u r up 2 nw? hw r u? copin? havin fun? i mish u. 2 msgs n 2 mish calls, tt muz ve meant sumtink. rite? or is tt wt u always do?

no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

2008-10-01T20:05:00.001+08:00

SELAMAT HARI RAYE PPL!!!
wee~~ da leh club again.

over a few tall odds.

2008-09-08T00:46:00.004+08:00

why, i wish i never play. what a mess we made.
i wish i haf e ability to read ppl's mind. either tt or i wish i m able to hear wat ppl r not sayin wen ey r tokin.

believe me, you'll be looking for trouble, if you hurt me. i can promise you.
i m in dire need of rest n peace. my last day off was last mon n e nxt 1 will onli b on nxt sunday. tt means ill b workin 12 daes str8 den i gt my dae off. gawd!! n my back is breakin, im losin my patience evryday, my ward's nw a mini icu + private suite + mini mental hospital. i seriously m countin dwn e daes till i can b away frm it all. n u ppl, all those hus workin office hrs; i hate you cn. pls be thankful ur not in my xact position, in my xact line. *blow fringe off forehead*

i'm stubborn, i might get a little crazy and a little insecure most of the time. i make mistakes, and i might seem out of hand sometimes. but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve my best.

seek honor first. pleasure will follow.

2008-08-30T23:10:00.006+08:00

be led by reason.
i go crazy esp wen tis song is playin in e club. euphoria~ i love last nyte MOS smoove rm DJ can. all e songs played r lyk practically frm my ipod can. n hui ling, i refuse to allow u to hang out w us nw. esp if tt place serve alcohol. *roll eyes*
n ami, dun sae i tk ajak eh. saw ur gals last nyte. u n kin wasnt there.

a word about my weakness: im totally addicted to dancing
i secretly tink tt TTSH kopitiam haf tis criteria for all food served. Laxatives to be added in all xcept deserts.
i secretly tink tt i haf tis fetish 4 guys hu r a yr younger den me.
i secretly tink tt my ward sister is pregnant. either tt or she's menopausing.
i m secretly in love w myself. esp my butt n eyes.
i secretly m proud of e fact tt im a mixed of a den + nw malay gal. i noe how to cook, bake, clean, work hard n haf fun.
i secretly used to tink im a failure esp wen it cums to love.
therefore nw i secretly haf tis need to prove myself tt im nt.
i secretly tink tt sakura will be lyk me wen she grow older. esp e clubbin part.
cun believe im sayin tis but yes, i m secretly proud of my 2 younger sisters.

my motto in life has always been e same as to wt i was taught 4 tt past 11 crucial yrs of my life; simple in virtue, steadfast in duty.

n nw do u tink i can ask u sumtink? y r u so cute?

think twice, that's my only advice

2008-08-23T19:49:00.006+08:00

if you want a job well done, do it yourself.
nw wif JCI over, i can breath abit. still w e diet though, bt since pay's juz in todae n all tt appreciation parties everywhere, tink i sud gif myself a dae off ya?? haha treatin myelf to all those heavenly craps. muahaha habisla sab. 10kg added after tt. oh well. wteva makes ME hapi. *wide grins*im officially missing you.

be humble. the other person might know alot more than you.

2008-08-20T18:42:00.004+08:00

love do not blush.
tts it. im tired. im knackered. i need rest. i need a year of AL. im stressed up n im goin crazy. bcz of tt im gettin fat. i need a diet. i mish my gals. i mish my frens.

ps: u make me feel beautiful.

i can't believe how i have fallen for you

2008-08-11T11:33:00.002+08:00

i was not looking. was just content to remain as what i am.
i neglect u wen im bz working.
i gt frustrated wen im deprived.
im a peasant by sum standard bt in ur heart im a princess.
i talk alot wen i noe i sud shut up.
im too self-consious bt u always assure me.
u dread eatin w me cz of all tt calories bt u still love it anws.
e fact we dun haf e most sociable hrs in e world, ur contented nevertheless.
i dunnoe y u love me. n tts y i love u.

ever now and then without warning, i could be really mean towards you.
GAWD JCI is juz about 7 daes away n i haf yt to noe wt my schedule will b like 4 tt wk. i mean, its out la bt i cun seem to bring myself to go c it. n no more hopin ey wun b comin 2 e ward. SHITOS~ y was i given e MRSA ward to start w. ey cud haf given me level 5 or perhaps ED. i cud do w all e exercise. nw look at me, in a place where eatin afta work is a hobby. bah~

~put ur heart against my life, wt do u hear?
close ur eyes bt dun 4gt wt u ve heard
a gal hus tryin 2 sae those 3 words.
e words tt make her scared.
a million love songs later n here i m tryin to tell u.
a million love songs later n here i m.~

can i trust the way i feel?

2008-08-07T12:16:00.004+08:00

so first we are going to work on the stomach.
i mish hangin out w hana's family. i 4gt how *stomach achin* they can get. how cum my bez gals's family, hana's & amal's, are all great fun, wen i noe mine isnt. well, nt as much as their's i think. oh well. sound kindda rude wen hana's bro 1st called me few daes b4 her bdae to tell me abt e surprise bdae dinner. i was actualli tinkin of tis fren of our's instead cz ey both haf e same name. muahaha n i was sooo excited while waitin 4 hana's arrival, kak sofia said im lyk a popcorn. all ready to burst. my stomach was already achin 4rm all e laughter even b4 hana came n b4 all tt food. haha n wen she finally arrived, gawd wish i was her instead. imagine seein e no. of ppl present n e shock. bt all in all, it was great fun. hana had cup cakes for her bdae cake. kak sofia ordered 60. 60!! gawd. i gt 4 to bring hm n i dun tink i can finish tt up. oh n & &!! i have a new found hobby ppl. n i noe i will gt fatter in a few mths time if i keep it up. HUMPH!

happy 21st love. =0)

there's something about the way he smile

2008-08-04T12:03:00.000+08:00

happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.
celebrated naz's & hana's 21st. wee~ cun wait 4 mine 2 cum. but i still dunnoe wt to do. hmm nvm lots more mths to go. but nxt up, sheil's!!

and tts e last dae of my AL. work here i cum. *sulk*

it is the small details that betray the character.

2008-08-04T01:39:00.004+08:00

if i could have it my way, i'll let you do all those things to steal my heart.
nth in life prepares us 4 wt happens nxt. uinless its sumtink lyk a norm in ur life at tt very moment, den u cud gt used to it. if nt, tinks happen n u do wt e occasion demands, if u can. if u ve e courage. n e wit n e will.

its hard doing it when you are not actually mine.
to you, im sori i dun always noe e rite tinks to sae each time u, shall i use e word complaint?, abt all tt ur goin thru. its hard to b sure how far u can noe sumtink wen u perceive em onli thru e prism of another person perception. no matter how many times or how many perceptions, itll still wun b e same. i dun xactly understand how it'll be lyk. so even if i keep sayin its ok, itll neva b ok 4 u. bt wateva it is, noe tt ur always welcome. u onli haf to call me. =0)

can someone please remind me again why?
& to you, im sori i was a dissapointment. n i noe there's always a bt 4 me, bt shall i sae it again? i epitomize e word stubborn. i richochet gd remarks. i seldom gt angry bt wen i do, its ur bad. ur's. if i realli m 1, den y, wen all u gt at e end of e dae is me rollin eyes at u.

and to sheila, thanks 4 makin me feel betta bout myself juz nw. though i think u actualli didnt noe u juz did. =0)

im dyin to get it out. should i? now now what would the book of answers say about that? explore it with playful curiosity. aites will do.

i guess its a habit from the norm.

2008-08-02T22:22:00.004+08:00

dae 8- i can't be complete. can you give me more?
kak shariza gt engaged!! n she's sooo damn beautiful. can i look lyk tt wen i gt married also?? or even betta?? hehe dun want to gt engaged. marry str8 betta. anws. dun haf much to blog abt bt todae. so here's e pic. *winks*

am i just seeing what i want to see?

2008-08-01T01:45:00.003+08:00

dae 4- if you are what you say you are
dinner at JUMBO at dempsey rd. gawd. 1 gd tink bout me joinin TTSH Ward 7A, e ppl there love fine dinin. so tts wen i can put my table manners to gd use. recommended place, if u haf e xtra cash n if u wish to earn plus plus plus points while tryin to woo tt materialistic gal. or if u juz want a romantic bt pricey dinner w tt loved one?? tis is soo e place to go. i prefer carousel tho. anws. spend e rest of e night at The Clinic followed by Lunar at Clarke Quay den K Box. had breakfast den hm at 9. didnt realli enjoyed myself so was realli realli lookin 4wrd to my dae & nite out w my gfs on dae 5.
dae 5 - tell you what i did last night. came home around a quarter to 5. still so high, hypnotized, in a trace.
wen karaoke-ing again, w ili while waitin 4 amal to finish her futsal. wts up w CGH staffs n futsal anws?? oh well. had dinner at spize den we r off to MOS!!! wee~ i mish mos n clubbin cn. ya mal, we must make it an effort to club at least once per mth. hehe *winks* mish u both already.

dae 6 - through shit and urine. the heart attacks that comes along with the collapse cases. not forgetting pesky relatives & sneaky colleagues. we still stand tall and not falter after all that. a pat on our backs. HAPPY NURSES DAY !!
1st dae TTSH celebrated nurses dae, was total fun-ness!! it was like a mini club. gosh. n to tink those tinks happen onli wen i was still in skul. muahaha n level 7 is yet again e champion!! wee~ im soooo proud to be part of it. but tt means constant hard work after all e celebration. oh well. rite after tt, off to lau pa sat for dinner. e food we ordered, its lyk as if we're havin dinner + supper together. gawd. tis ppl reali love eatin. it seems like thats e 1st tink we do wen we're off work. n im gettin fatter as a result. but i love em all nevertheless. =0)

dae 7- i'm supergirl and i'm here to save the world. but i want to know who's going to save me.

didnt haf any plans 4 todae. so decided to become supergal. muahaha went out to help mak buy all e barang dapur 4 tis mth. she havent even start!! n most of evrytink r finishin soon. Ana, now i soooo understand wat u meant wen u said once ur mum isnt ur mum 4 tt period of time wen she's takin tt course. my mum's e same nw. ish ish. i havent been at hm since my 1st dae of AL pn. but i m suppose to be enjoyin myself rite? so no guilty feelings. hehe anw hope 2nd dae nurses dae celebration isnt as happening as yst's. cz im not there to join in e fun. *fingers crossed* yaya i noe im a sadist. hehe HAPI NURSES DAE PPL!

and the moment i can feel that you feel that way too, is when i fall in love with you.

your friends, are your needs answered

2008-07-28T16:06:00.001+08:00

start your day by first listening to your favourite song.
dae 2 - celebrated bapak's bdae. had dinner at lor ah soo. was too bz eatin n laughin, 4gt to take pics. muahaha. e cake was *lickin lips* yum yum. can i haf e same 4 my bdae 2?? hehe

IJ friendships through the years. Born of simple joys & tears. IJ friends are friends for life.
dae 3- wen out w my sec skul gfs. juz too bad aisha cudnt make it. gawd. i mish ey already can. ey draind out all my energy even b4 we had dinner. n i 4gt how nice popeye tasted. didnt actualli had a gd 1st impression but i love it nw. its much much much betta den kfc cn. den had dessert at swensens. wee~ nxt meetin gfs?? sentosa it is. =0) n n dun 4gt 6 sept ppl!!! old IJ gals dinner reunion.*rubbin hands* gotta start savin 4 e table n start diggin out my pinafore frm my cupboard. gosh cun wait!

i promise to not come hm late animore. even if i want to, i'll make sure there's sum1 seein me off rite up to e lift. tt, or i'll juz cum hm in e mrng. *shivers*
n oh ppl, my bez gal juz opened her online shop. check it out! http://www.mysecretrunway.com/

our name is our virtue

2008-07-26T14:24:00.006+08:00

the more things stays the same, the more they seem to change.
i dun like gals hu rely on others or shall i say specifically, on guys. if ur dependent on em 4 love n all those other lil tinks that money cun buy, den its perfectly fine. its only normal, natural. bt 4 u to rely on em 4 especially material tinks, den im sori. i dun like ur kind. its lyk memalukan masyarakat pompan. cmon im sure u want 2 b seen as a strong, independent woman. relyin on guys onli make u look weak n unambitous. tis kind of ppl pissed me off. gawd. n i hate tt song gd gal gone bad by rihanna. hueva gives a nod to tt song gts e *roll eyes* frm me. wt happens, happens. go do wat u haf to to get over him. initially, he cud b e reason. but if once ur over him, n u noe tt its nt tt gd 4 u, y contd. n still make him e reason?? take me as an eg. i admit, i turn to clubbin n social smokin cz of he-hu-shall-not-be-name once. but den i realized he's nt worth all tt. y lead tt kind of lifestyle juz cz of him? so i stopped smokin. muahaha ooooooonnnnnnncccccccceeeeeeee in a while ill take it wen my gals offer but most of e time i'll reject. promise. n clubbin? i still do. though i cun reali find e time to do it always nw cz of work. but i love to club cz i love dancin. =0) so ya. y make urself stoop tt low? respect n love is the key. if he dun gif u both den he's not worth it. dun gif up, gif ur bez. let him noe wts up b4 so he can u more n more. *winks*

dae 1 of AL. fun-ness here i come.

i epitomize the word stubborn.

2008-07-17T22:57:00.003+08:00

i'm so good at being bad. the best you'll ever had.
i dunnoe wt is it tt i want out of my life rite nw. fickle minded me. pfft~ of coz life has its probs. dissapointment, danger, pain. but oh well *shrug* wun take up my precious time tinkin bt all tt nw. countin dwn to pae dae, AL, lunch/dinner outings, shoppin trips & n & clubbin!!! wee~

what you do not know, cannot hurt you.

p/s: n guys, if u think ur bein irritatin n all e wt nts, DW. my bestie's much more. rite bf?? *nudge nudge* =0D

"use your own money" " dont be rude" i love the way zun say that.

2008-07-13T22:54:00.007+08:00

to understand the true character of a person, watch how she reacts in a time of trouble
e pain im xperiencin nw is affectin my mood. i hate tokin nw. itll add on 2 e pain. so e onli tink i'll sae these daes - "im not in e mood to tok. i dun want to talk to u NW." if my bubble teas n chix cun cheer me up, no one/nth else can. gt it ppl?? no one / nth. n my patience is at its lowest nw. i hate it wen out of sooo many daes, there r those hu choose to piss me off these daes.
e fact tt ur suppose to be e eldest but u act lyk as if ur e freakin youngest. grow up already.
e fact tt sumhow nw it seems tt its ok to borrow my stuffs n nt ask 4 my permission bt not vice versa. n if eva i were to do tt, i rather nt tink of e consequences.
e fact tt tt 2 juz cun take e hint tt u dun wish to hear frm em, 4 e time bein. doesnt mean i gave u tt chance once, u'll always haf it. ok? ur blowin my fon up. wud u rather i throw it away? *roll eyes*
e fact tt ppl dun haf their own sense of originality. anythink tt makes u hapi la eh.
e fact tt ppl juz cun make their mind up n wen ey do, ey xpect me to fit nicely in their plans. i noe i may b single nw bt tt doesnt mean tt i dun haf a life. sori 4 e rude awakenin.
n e fact tt sum ppl lyk to tink too highly of emself. omg wt happen to bein humble. but ive seen betta den tt sori.

im tired, physically n mentally. n i need my rest sn. can tt AL cum quick pls. im countin dwn. thanks to rachel 4 givin me tt 20 sec of happiness. u noe how much i miss clubbin. *wide grins* i cun wait.

if you are not too long

2008-07-05T17:36:00.011+08:00

if you are not too long, i will wait for you all my life.

shrug. oh well theres so many tinks i wanna tok abt bt im feelin so uninspired rite nw. nxt postin mayb.

n tis is wat we do afta we ve received gd appraisals. hide in e the store room, pretendin to do stock takin while e rest pass report. LOL

n these r e ppl hu keep me sane everydae. hahaha

please just don't play with me. my paper heart will bleed.

2008-06-26T10:46:00.004+08:00

please just don't play with me. my paper heart will bleed.
juz gt paid!! gt a new fon!! gt a new no.!! gt 2 new pants frm esprit!! gt a new wallet frm ripcurl!! n still havin tt pain. eurgh!!
anw high tea at carousel is e life can. haha gonna take my family, ok nvm scratch tt, juz gonna take nani there wen i haf my bonus nxt mth. till den, i'll juz try to nt overspend again juz so i wun b broke b4 e nxt pae. wee~

u noe there's always more den 1 way 2 sae xactly wt u mean to sae. if ur unhapi, its time u spoke up 2.

"perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim."

2008-06-17T11:08:00.005+08:00

"Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim."
be patient n tough; sumdae tis pain will be useful to u. tts wat it means. =0) anw got hm frm my 1st nyte yst n i found tis letta written by my mum.

adik..jangan putus asa dalam hidup yang penuh dengan cabaran. dan juga, jangan lupakan Tuhan yang menjadikan kita manusia. Ingat selalu kepada keluarga, tidak kira dengan siapa Dia teruskan.
i love u forever.

aww *menusuk di kalbu kan LOL* tts so random la. love my mum to bits, tho she cud b very very VERY irritatin most of the time. hehehe peace mak. n to all u sadist bastards, kak baya & hafashah esp, thank u oh soo much 4 writin mine & sabree's name down on the DJ's list. while i was bz gettin pissed bt e chix, great nice timin. (kak baya!! i'm sooo goin to gt ur fon wen i gt my pae! e xact same 1!! I DUN CARE!!) while u ppl had a hell of a great time enjoyin e "entertainment", sab n me was countin dwn to e last verse of the song. i tink sab's silently wishin e song's endin soon e min i started it. MUAHAHA GAWD tt was so maluatin!! dun u ppl undastand?? i dunnoe much abt malay songs. gt tt in ur head!! sori 4 e rude awakenin wahlao. N n N n !!! I REFUSE TO POST OUR BEAUTIFUL PIC!!! HUH!! but den again, LOL tt was fun, lets do it again!!! NO?! humph! SELFISH! nvm i'll be countin dwn to e 28th!! i will redeem myself. u ppl'll c!! n btwn nw n den till i c u sadists again, i'll be missin all of u. muackss.

my head is sooo full of "what if" right now.
what if bonus is in june?? *rubbin hands wide grins*
what if e JCI ppl dun cum on Aug?
what if all my frenz, those sadists, were there, at e xact time wen i needed ppl ard me?
what if i wasnt e sab they noe?
what if i stop toking/ laughin 4 juz a mere 5 mins?
what if i sae i mish all u sadists n i cun wait 2 c u ppl again on e 28th?
what if i sae i m in dire need of TLC?
what if i m e reason?
what if i stop drinkin red bull nyte afta nyte?
what if kak sarinah wasnt there?
what if i gif all tis up to follow my dream? *shrug*
what if i can survive a dae w/o bubble tea n chix?
what if i haf both e looks n brain??
what if i always get what i want?
what if i stop typin all this out?
what if. haiz.

oh well. heres to new beginnings. to the persuit of ..... somethingness.

to my unintended.

2008-05-31T12:31:00.005+08:00

what hurts the most-rascal flatts.
to my unintended.
thank u for givin e chance to love u. there were times wen i tot i cud neva leave u. thank u for teachin me to love n let go.
i always did admire how u were. how u lived ur life. i watched u each time wen we r together, still cun believe u r mine. you were lyk everything tt i wish for. mayb cz i keep nt believin it tt i lost u. i onli wished i had taken e chances to start changin n love u more.
i admired how u always seemed to noe the right thing to say. n now i wish im strong just like u. you are and u will, bcause u do things your way. thank u for makin me once believe tt there's sum1 perfect for me. it was u. i was nt perfect bt thank u 4 havin a part in my life. i love u n will always hold u in my heart. u r special n i wish tt i'll b a better person bcause of u. thank u.
n always knoe tt u'll always haf my unspoken passion.
i love you.

note to self: thats enough now sab. haf ur one last cry n let go.

it'll be through such pain that we'll learn to know ourselves.

2008-05-20T18:02:00.008+08:00

it'll be through such pain that we'll learn to know ourselves. but the cost is steep and the knowledge not for the fainthearted.
there are ways of fallin in love which are, i wud say, important. crucial, ermm mayb. & real, definately. & & painful too. love is painful. isnt it? no it doesnt haf to hurt to feel gd. but it forces change upon u. it forces u, or sud i sae, us, to change. or haf a shot at changin anyway. so at e end of it, its either u had it all but crossed e threshold. vice versa.
n its funny, how u imagine tt lovin sum1 is enough to make em believe u love em.

the real reason of choice of partner are obscure. and wt passes for love is generally a decidedly mixed bag. anxiety, lack of self-worth, sadism, cowardice, fear, recklessness, simple brutality, e need to control, e need to be needed, e urge to be looked after etc. and there are other happier ermm ingredients? lyk kindness, compassion, friendship, patience, sympathy, e wish to help, e wish to be gd. though these better impulses can wreak more havoc than e more less gd ones.

and so the realization made me literally shake now as the tears run down unrestrained.
he was my one in a lifetime. i guess i sud haf told him. i tot he knew. a true love snapshot.
"marry me?"
"i wud love to."

he was my everything. n all those whispered promises.
"e best wkend of my life. i love you w all my heart. . i wun leave u, i will always love u. i promise."
" fast forward the yrs."
"now, thats a tot."
"i dun wanna lose u, i realy dun."
"u were n u are e best thing tt ever happen in my life. .i'd be lost without u."
"i realy wish 4 tis r'ship 2 last. i know its hard 4 u."

& how does he xpect me to live a world where there's juz me? my world revovles ard him. i tot he knew. wts left nw is juz a heart full of words left unspoken. gawd. noe how im feelin rite nw? lyk my whole world juz end. done. finish. i wish all my feelings was gone. im tryin to understand. i tot he knew. n though i told my heart to haf a silent breakin, i sud haf known. i wish i didnt wish so hard. mayb i wished our love apart.
exaggerated. u'll get over it. i noe, tts wt everbody will sae. but u haf no idea how it is 4 me.

"im proud to haf u as my girlfriend, n i'll be very proud to call u my wife."
and i couldn't for the life of me see how i m going to manage alone nw.

walking is a famous loosener of thoughts.

2008-05-12T14:48:00.004+08:00

walking is a famous loosener of thoughts.
sumday wen im awfully low i love doin tt. walk. n try to take comfort frm my comfort foods. but lyk ive said, its nt givin me e comfort lyk it used to. n ey sae food plays a much larger part in emotional stability then is usually acknowledged. pfft~

anw love these questionnaires.
1. What time did you get up this morning? i was still working.
2. Diamonds or pearls? either.
3. What is your favorite TV show? dun watch much of it nowadays
4. What do you usually have for breakfast? haha dun usually take my breakfast too.
5. What is your middle name? sabariyah?? LOL
6. What food do you dislike? umm.
7. What is your favorite CD at the moment? dun listen to CDs these daes
8. What kind of car do you drive? NA.
9. Favorite sandwich? White bread Chicken.
10. What characteristic do you despise? all blatant -ve characteristic
11. Favorite item of clothing? do i haf 1?
12. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? venice
13. What color is your bathroom? white
14. Favorite brand of clothing? topshop, forever 21, dorothy perkin
15. When is your birthday? 26 dec
16. Are you a morning person or a night person? in btwn?
17. What is your shoe size? 8
18. Pets? hehe if i cud, i rather nt to haf any
19. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? i juz finish my nyte!
20. What did you want to become when you were little? haha i wanted to be in e army. still do.
21. How are you today? tell u truth, i dunnoe how m i these few daes.
22. What is your favorite candy? menthol
23. What is your favorite flower? dun like any
24. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? 26 dec duh.
25. What is your full name? you should know this
26. Do you wish on stars? yes.
27. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? red?
28. How is the weather right now? Cloudy
29. Last person you spoke to on the phone? kak sarinah
30. Favorite soft drink? ermm.
31. Favorite restaurant? macdonalds
32. Hair colour? haha 4gt already. been quite sumtime since i last dyed
33. Sibling? wat abt em?
34. Favorite day of the year? my bdae
35. Summer or winter? dunnoe how either feels like
36. Hugs or kisses? both?
37. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla
38. When was the last time you cried? ah soalan bonus
39. What is under your bed? nth.
40. Who is the friend you have had the longest? muhd. faiz aziz
41. What did you do last night? work.
42. Favorite smell? watever tts on my boify.
43. What are you afraid of? .....
44. Plain, buttered, or salted Popcorn? neither.
45. How many years at your current job? yrs? mths. hehe
46. Favorite day of the week? saturday.
47. Do you make friends easily? yes. i think.
48. How many people will you be sending this to? its here in my blog ryte? any1 hu chooses to respond, can, and those who dun, cun n wun haf to. =)

you make me feel beautiful. and eveything that i know and don't think i am.

2008-04-20T11:24:00.002+08:00

you make me feel beautiful. and everything that i know and don't think i am.
i mish my boify. haiz. wen i already saw him last sat. '0_o n i tink i mish him tt much, tis few daes, i feel lyk as if he's actualli there w me. lyk lyk he's gone to e toilet or gone to gt his newpaper n tt he'll cum back to me. realli. haf any of u felt tt b4?? den while at work, wen im doin dressin 4 my patient, or feedin any of em, ill haf tis urge to hurry up w wateva im doin cz i want to b w my boify again. i'll tink he's actualli there waitin 4 me at e counters. den wen i finally finish everything tt i haf to do, i'll b damn dissapointed cz no, he's nt there. n den i realize i was juz dreamin. but den, itll happen again n again. n each time i exit e cubicle, ill b feelin & tellin myself e same thing again. he's nt there. im juz dreamin. at home, e same tink too. n i actualli tot i heard him sayin sumtink to me b4 i finally fall aslp yst. realli!! i swear tt was his voice n i tot i saw his face n expression. i heard it loud n clear. "ur knee da tak lawa." ya true. mmg da tak lawa. haiz. i miss him sooo much. i wish i can close my eyes n pray 4 tis to pass. i want to open my eyes n b safely w boify. or already confirmed.
my comfort foods no longer gifs me e comfort. ey dun taste tt nice as b4 or gif me tt everything is alrite already feelin anymore. i tink in a way, ey r tryin to tell me to stop takin em. but i wun. nt yet.
i hate doors tt arent closed fully. i'll feel tt sumone's lookin in thru tt small space. *shudder*

if i lose the highs, at least i'm spared the lows.

2008-03-24T20:13:00.017+08:00

if i lose the highs, at least i'm spared the lows.

been quite sumtink since i last update huh. cant find e time uh. or rather, even if i haf, i rather b asleep, readin or w dearest boify. oh noe, we went over to pulau ubin last weekend to cycle. was great fun-ness, ok minus e fact tt i fell off my bike. other den tt, 2 thumbs up. e ugly wound on my knee n gettin dark was all worth it.

and i cant wait to see my boify again!!

2008-03-19T11:39:00.012+08:00

and you wouldn't know the difference, or would you?
i wish i cud turn back e time n haf flawless skin like i did back den. den again, sampai bile. i ve big butts, which i tink tts too big sumtimes. too big tts its slowin dwn my movements and make me look lyk im waddlin lyk a duck 4rm e sides. realli!!
im proud of my eyes. i love tt quote - eyes r windows to e soul, n e fact tt e fats, e result of my love 4 food does not show tt much on me. therefore, im relieved knowin tt my children wun b tt fat. tts wt e study shows. wt i m during my adolescent may affect how my children'll b lyk. sumtink lyk tt. 4gt where i read tt frm though.
i used to be proud of e fact tt i dun cry tt easily. nw, sud i cry b4 bedtime, tts lyk a norm. wen i gt angry at ppl, i dun usually show it. i dunnoe. issit coz ey noe i dun usually gt angry tt easily n even if i did, it wont matter?? of course sumtimes i want it to be known bt wen, and if ever i succeed n they start apologisin, ill feel bad at bein angry at tt person at e 1st place. sumtimes i wonder, y bother feelin tt way wen ey've hurt ur feelings? other ppl can stay angry bout sumtink 4 daes. i rather nt bt lyk tt. its a waste of energy. shrug.
fightin, tt too i will neva start. w hueva. loved ones especially. n friends. coz i tink its rude. n e respect i have 4 tt sumone always make me tink twice. den again, it may look lyk its e other way round 4 e other party. tis, most of e time i cant xplain myself. gd intentions are all i haf. hu wud want to do sumtink intentionally if ey noe it will cause hurt n anger to spark. precisely. unless u want tt.
n, i love makin ppl happy. again, especially my loved ones. tt feelin u gt wen u see how happy ey r is lyk .... unxplainable. u wud want to make em happy all e time. makin sumone happy makes me happy. so its always others before me.
i m independent. wen tt sumtink is suppose to b done by tt sum1 4 me bt its nt done, its ok. i can always do it by myself kan. like if i need or want to go sumwhere n i cun find anyone to accompany me, its ok. i can go alone. all i need is my mp3 n a book n ill b ok.
i find comfort in life's simplest pleasure. food, readin in bed, takin long bus rides alone, spendin time w a loved one. material tinks can make a few difference but i dun always haf e need to haf em. if i haf xtras n if i haf a choice to haf tt or other thinks, mayb den i'll gt it. or not, its ok. i'll b ok w wateva i haf.
i love surprises.
food, i adore chicken n seafood. all kinds of seafood. i m always willing to go anywhere, in singapore tt is, for my fav food. nutcase, i noe. i dun usually take my vegetables wen im outside. but i eat wateva vegetables my mum cook. =0) weird. oh n love cookin!! bt work have made me abit lazy. ya i noe. alasanmu.
my idols in life r nt famous ppl. ey r all ppl i had a chance 2 gt 2 noe, once in diff chapters of my life.
granted, i noe i have gd qualities. bt i dun regard em as xtraordinarily rare. nor r my bad qualities dire. i consider myself average.

love works in miracles everyday. such as destroying reasons.
my family, is sum wt conservative. bein able to partially b lyk modern times is considered gd enough. but im thankful bein brought up tis way. i was suppose to haf bf onli afta sec skul, i dun rebel n i try my very best to b wat is xpected of me. n well, of coz everyone's parents r embarrasin. tts e nature of parents ryte? mine, sumtimes i wonder, how ey even fall in love. ey r lyk 2 diff ppl in 2 diff world. my sisters, i love em all. despite e odd facts.

and if i never knew you.
my everything. i love him more den anyone. all e usual cliches. ey r cliches coz ey r true. without him, nothing would matter. but sumtimes wen i feel a surge of love for him, i wish i always ve e guts to say wats on my mind. instead of allowin e moment to pass me by.

and i love my job. despite havin ....... sisters. all of my colleagues made workin so much fun n less stressful. sometimes.

y m i writin all tis u might ask? i dunnoe. anw pay dae's comin!! gawd im soooo countin dwn 2 e daes. n wen i gt my pae, im goin to treat myself to all my fav foods. delifrance chix sandwich, lee wee bro otak2, bubbles teas, subway cookies n e list goes on. oh cant wait! hehe

to dream of the person you would like to be is a waste of the person you are.

2008-03-10T23:29:00.003+08:00

to dream of the person you would like to be is a waste of the person you are.
its funny bcoz wen ur a child, u believe u can do anytink u want to do, go whereva u want to go. there are no limits. u xpect e unxpected. u believe in magic. den u grow older and tt innocence is shattered. e reality in life gets in e way n ur hit by e realisation tt u cun b all u wanted to b. tt u juz might haf to settle 4 a lil bit less. well, i tink tt sumtimes wat our heart tells us is right, is overblown. exaggerated. bcoz it is sumtimes unattainable. n therefore, all e more attractive. but still, if u realli want it, den u'll make ur dream happen. haf confidence tt u cn do it.

and words can hurt forever.
i wud love to go to slp rite nw n wake up wateva time i want 2mrw. bt i cun slp. n i am so tired. luckily im on pm shift 2mrw. gawd i m so stress. work, home, everywhere.

i would, i will. i'll do that gladly.

2008-03-03T12:11:00.001+08:00

i would, i will. i'll do that gladly.
tt was yt another great weekend. wen over 2 e zoo w boify. n though no, i didnt gt 2 spot e cheetahs, nor did i gt 2 hop w e frogs, it was nevertheless a fun visit. wasnt it yang? i 4gt how e zoo used 2 look lyk pn. n thankfully i was havin runny nose. or nt boify wud haf had my pic taken w sum animals. me, n e animals? ok ey r cute. bt ... *shudder* no thnk u. waitin 4 boify to upload e pics. i dunnoe y i didnt use my hp camera pun. shrug. hehe ok so while waitin, =0) im countin dwn e daes till i meet him again. mish my boify already! oh n n he's pop-ing tis fri!! gawd tt seems fast. 1 min its all tt tests n ivs n wat nts den suddenly its pop already. hehe so happy 4 boify! wee~ he made it thru it all. n he did great! m so very proud of boify!! =o)

i feel like shit & i look like one today.

2008-02-28T10:30:00.006+08:00

i feel lyk shit n i look lyk 1 2dae. tink i betta start takin care of myself. yaya lyk drink lots of plain water for a start. HINT. i was bz sneezin wen workin im sure if my pts werent bed-bound or uncommunicative, ey wud haf askd 4 other nurse to nurse em instead. n so i kept remindin myself tt line boify said e other dae, "u smile w ur eyes." imagine me, literally tryin 2 make it look lyk my eyes r smilin, w/o movin any mouth muscle. m i makin sense here? .... oh well. GAWD. tt was e worst work dae eva. den in e evening met up w hana. been quite sumtime since i last saw her. n u look as lovely as always btw hana. she juz gt her pae so she wanted to gt a pressie 4 her dearest bdae. tt was e main aim of e dae out actualli. HUMPH! ye, byk nye cari hadiah. *roll eyes* n classic story. she realize she lost her ezlink yet again wen e both of us wantd 2 b otw hm. ape ke tidak. take a look at e insides of her bag ppl. i found receipts, bills, letters, make up pouch?, coins, mints n i dunnoe wat else. haiyo. go gt urself a smaller bag la hana. at least it wun b tt bad noe.
p/s: thanx 4 e evenin out hana. though i wasnt in e mood in e beginnin, u were so full of energy, i gt addicted. den wen i bcame juz lyk u, i was so xcited, i was tokin millions words per sec till i accidentally tok at tt gal's face. n apologizin rite at it pn. aiyo so maluatin. n i cun believe we walkd 4rm bugis to PS la. walkd n nt feel tired. it was e stories tt kept us goin kn (n e discovery of those nice hotels tt i neva knew were there la! aiyo so jakon.) so long didnt c u, i kindda 4gt how it used to b lyk. lets do it again sumtime. n oh, advise. gt urself a proper wallet. 1 tt ull love so much, u wud want to show it off to every1 everytime. mayb den u wun lose ur ezlink again. *winks*

fingers crossed 4 boify's test results!!!! n i cant wait 4 saturday!!! wee~

to be despised, to be loved. to be dreamt of, to be sought.

2008-02-25T12:26:00.006+08:00

to be despised, to be loved. to be dreamt of, to be sought.
ok come i haf so many tinks to tok abt i dunnoe where to start. alrite 1st lets tok bt my family. my never-endin-it-wun-be-over-till-i tink- wen-i'm-finally-out-of-tt-house-or-mayb-sumbody-sud-start-by-havin-a-job. ARGH!! its e same tink again n again. n im onli makin my family sound tt bad. which i dun want u to b tinkin tt. its nt tt i love complainin. m i?? or whinin. i dun mind its me havin 2 do tt 4 e family. e family. lyk im part of it also kn. bt can u pls do ur part too. pls. n nt juz leave me alone w it, n tok lyk as if u noe how it feels. boo hoo hoo im goin nuts here. sumone help me pls.

MSDS. EHS. Civil Emergency. Blood & Chemical Spillage. Read Back. EOL. and it goes on and on.
n work. gawd nw tt im a full time nurse, i realized tt mental torture is a norm. wat nw w JCI round e corner. ey r comin in august. wt, tts 1/2 yr more. haiz. n i dun want to hear bt all tt nt bein able to take mc n all al will b frozen. *drum fingers* n in order 2 make sure we r realli ready 4 em, there's e monthly audits. i escaped e 1st 1 2dae!! *evil laugh* n there's e stress of bein comfirmed. nxt mth. argh!! hurry up n stop pesterin me w e audit qns already. btw sister, cn i pls do more nites durin e weekdaes. e extras will sure help me alot. thank u.

yours truly, me. =o)

the endless questions survey.

2008-02-25T11:52:00.006+08:00

the endless questions survey.this is what you do when you're bored at home.
birthdate: 26 Dec 1987 >> zodiac sign: capricorn
do you have a gf/bf?: yup >> if so, who?: muhammad haffidz bin kamarulzaman.
do you love him/her?: duh! of course
how long have you been together?: 7mths plus n still counting =oD
how did you 2 meet?: LOL u realli wanna noe? read my previous post dated .. shrug look it up urself
what is your dream date?: shrug. come to think of it, i dunnoe. doesnt matter as long as my boify's w me.

Favorites
color: used to be blue >> animal: i dun want to haf any >>meat: CHICKEN!! >>vegetable: dun usually take my greens >> cats or dogs?: neither >> sisters or brothers: i haf a brat n 2 undescribable sisters. i dunnoe bt brothers though. bt its ok. >> chocolate or vanilla?: vanilla!! >> family or friends?: ermm ..... >> writing r typing?: depends. both ok w me. >> hotdogs or hamburgers?: heheh both can? >> steak or chicken?: chicken >> mcdonalds or burger king?: Mac >> taco bell or kfc?: KFC >> or pizza hut?: ok mayb pizzahut >> Cold Storage or NTUC FairPrice?: i like both. >> school or job?: i mish skul. but working's ok. >> home or school?: not schoolin anymore so its work. yup. >> what are you doing right now?: listening to music, filling out tis tink n secretly hopin my mum wun call me. watever she's doin now in e kitchen.

Craps.
if a rooster layed an egg on a roof which side would it roll down?: HUH? how wud i noe. anw rooster dun lay eggs >> how do you spell bingo?: its already been spelled out. B-I-N-G-O >> if jimmy cracks corn and nobody cares, why does he still do it?: ?? i dunnoe. coz he lyk doin it? >> if a tree fell and no one was around would it make a sound?: yes?? it wun make any diff pn kn?? >> who let the dogs out?: i dunnoe. nobody noes. tts y e baha man made up tt song "who let e dogs out". i think. LOL >> do you like green eggs and ham?: tts frm 1 of dr suess's bks rite? green eggs n ham. >> is the grass really greener on the other side?: which other side? >> where is the other side?: i dunnoe. i juz ask u tt. >> do you think toes are gross?: onli if ur diabetic n all ur toes has turned necrotic, yes tts gross. n smelly. >> what bothers you?: rite nw? e fact tt my eldest sis nt workin.
if you could live with one person for the rest of your live who would it be?: my boify. >> do you like school?: love it. bt those were e daes. >> what is your favorite piece of jewelry?: haha i dun usually care bt those.
do you sing in the shower?: ermm sumtimes. mayb. >> what do you think about the person who sent it this to you?: tt she juz save me frm boredom. at least i haf sumtink to do. >> why do people dream?: a dream is a wish your heart make. hmm mayb cz wateva they r dreamin abt, its unattainable. or its tt little tink tts naggin u in ur head. or tt its sumtink u noe and so want tt suntink to happen in e future n u cun wait 4 it to happen. ya, i tink its tt last one. >> what's the latest dream you've had?: LOL u wudnt want to noe. >> is your mom a bitch?: well i wun use e word bitch bt ..... i dunnoe. >> has she ever written you a mean email?: LOL no? if she did, i wanna read all abt it. >> does your mom have email?: yes. shared w my dad. >> have you ever slapped a guy/girl?: anywhere else xcept e face? ya. e face? r u nuts. even if ive blown my top, i wun do tt. so bad. >> where do you want to get married?: where? spore ah. void deck. i dunnoe. still long way to go. wen e time cums c wat i can afford ah. >> who are you going to marry?: bonus qn. my boify of coz. >> are you always late or early?: ermm depends. hehe
are you the devil's advocate?: NO?! GAWD. R U NUTS?! >> ever wish u were one of charlie's angels?: able to fight lyk tt, wear great clothes n haf a great body, yes pls. LOL >> are you violent?: even wen im agitated? haha no dun tink so. ... m i?>> ever made up a cheer?: i guess. those were e camp daes. >> ever made up a dance?: yup. i mish tt too. dancin daes on saturdays w e gals. haiz. can i haf all tt back pls. >> best pick up line?: mine or e person usin on me? >> are you selfish?: m i? i dunnoe. i dun think so. unless u wanna haf some of my chicken. hehe >> do u like shellfish?: yup.

every life has ONE true-love snapshot.

2008-02-17T11:29:00.006+08:00

every life has ONE true-love snapshot. i just changed and had a new one yesterday.
wanted to catch ps, i love you yst bt damn its either selling fast or sold out. HUMPH! but oh well, there's other daes. anw was readin times n came across tis few tinks. do u noe, wen women r ovulatin, ey report tt their mates r more lovin n attentive n, significantly, more jealous of other men. lyk huh?? LOL there's lots more intrestin tinks in there, lyk smell too, bt tt ovulatin tink gt me thinkin. LOL realli ah. and the thermometer of love, must it b on a scale of 1 - 9? it sud either be not at all true or definitely true la. LOL e ans 4 all e qns r all lyk DUH!. aiyo. bt yea! boify's gonna marry me coz i scored 135. LOL ok tt doesnt sound rite. i mish my boify already. haiyo. =0(

experience had taught me that even the most precious memories fade with time.

2008-02-03T11:33:00.001+08:00

experience had taught me that even the most precious memories fade with time, yet i didnt want to forget every single moment we've spent together. and, of course, i want haffidz to remember every moment as well.
i mish my boify already. i hate tis la. e feeling of wakin up in e mrng n realizin its a new dae, tt yst was over n its back to countin dwn to e daes n back to work. boo~ n is tis wat u gt for bein more dependent? tears rollin dwn juz @ e tot of him? aiyo e brat is here la. jgn nnt die blang mak lak. gawd n its already 1146. damn. gtg gt ready 4 work. =0(

p/s: i love you yang. soo much tt it hurts sumtimes. is tt even possible? though i think im e luckiest girl in e world to have you. n thank you for makin it possible.

its funny, but have you noticed that the more special something is, the more people seem to take it for granted?

2008-01-31T11:22:00.002+08:00

its funny, but have you noticed that the more special something is, the more people seem to take it for granted? its like they thing it wont ever change.
do i eva tink abt my maternal grandma? sumtimes. weneva i cum across pts hu look lyk her or those hu suffered frm stroke. or weneva i cum across houses tts very well stockd. n wen i do, i remember her sittin on her great big armchair. playin her organ durin her free time. her love 4 hot beancurd in e mrngs n slpin w e lites on everynite. she make sure theres always sumtink 4 her grandchildren hu cums over to visit every weekend. cemelan or so we call it. i mish her. i wish she's still ard. i feel lyk i dun appreciate her enough while she's ard. my lost. but u cun xpect much frm a small kid rite? shrug. sigh. in a way, she's e reason y i joined nursing. i wish she's still ard, since nw i understand more n i cud help ard.

love, ive come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other everyday.
surrounded w his tinks 4 tt duration, i feel even more attached 2 him. its lyk ive wen up tt another level. if there's any. was by far e bez. i love e way we didnt haf 2 rush or worry bt havin to b sumwhere at a given time. n i was content enough bein w him. nth else matters. brought my bk along cz i was hopin 2 finish it up bt e onli time i gt e chance to read was weneva he's sleeping or playin his psp. cause tts wen i'd lost him. until he cum back 4rm whereva it was in his head he went wen he's playin e psp. even den,i wud onli last 2 pages e most den ill b back lookin at him instead. i love him soo sooo damn much. he's the best tink tt eva happened 2 me. my everythink. n nw i noe i want to spend e rest of my life w him, even more now tt i noe wt its lyk.

reena says a slow eater lives longer. not that i do it on purpose but insya allah.
do i eva tink its all enough? does it sound funny 2 u if i sae tt im satisfied w wt i already haf nw. i dun wish to b a staff nurse. i rather b w e pts, n nt all tt paperwork. i plan to stick to bein an EN
n work till i reach e highest level an EN can go. by e time wen im old enough, ill reach tt point in life wen money and status isnt everytink n workin is juz so u cud pass ur time. wat m i tokin ni??sigh. i noe im still young n there's so much life gt 4 me bt im contentd w wt i haf nw. i haf a job tt i love, a bf whom i wish to spend my lifetime w. nth else matters. rite?

i'm a host of imperfection.

2008-01-15T11:55:00.001+08:00

i'm a host of imperfection.
im xtremely tired. my legs r hurtin lyk ... n they sumhow forgot how to move once im on my bed. i mish boify. i mish him soo much. =,o( can i go over n be w him pls? n i want to gif up bt my parents. itll all b in-out nw n ill do wateva i cn. im tired of hearin e same old same old things over and over n sayin e same old same old things over n over again bt nth is understood. cn i pls haf a time out? im beggin.

people are often unreasonable, illogical n self-centered. forgive them anyway.

if you are kind, people might accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. be kind anyway.

if your successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies. succeed anyway.

if you are honest and frank, people might cheat you. be honest anyway.

what you spend years building, someone could destroy overnite. build anyway.

if you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous. be happy anyway.

the good you do today, people might forget tomorrow. do good anyway.

because you see, at e final analysis, its between you and God. it was never between you and them anyway.

and a happy new year!

2008-01-01T10:24:00.001+08:00

and a happy new year!
ey sae ur more likely to keep ur new yr resolutions if u reveal em. so im gonna do tt.

this new yr, i vow to ...
1. start drinkin more plain water. nt juz wen takin meds.
2. save more. so tt i wun haf e chance to b sooo broke.
3. find ways to constantly upgrade myself. tt way i wun look at other gals n wish i cud do tt too.
4. slowly banish my insecurities n haf more self- confidence.
5. noe tt e mirror cn onli reflect wts on e surface. nt hu i reali m inside cz im already beautiful juz e way i m.

6. be a betta daughter, sista, fren and a much much betta galfren.
7. tell ppl wats on my mind. rather den nt tellin em n wishin i sud ve.

and hapi 6th ann to u dear boify!!
1/2 a yr. wow~ another 1/2 n lots lots lots more to go!! wee~ i love you la yang. alot alot. soo soo much. always n everydae. XOXOXO

and here's to the wonderful moments we've shared and to the ones we have yet to make.

he's the song in my head i keep singing. the only one that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.

2007-12-26T22:26:00.001+08:00

he's the song in my head i keep singing. the only one that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.

n so tts e end of his block leave. e whole 2 wks has been nth but great fun-ness. thank u boify! =0) i love u soo damn much. always. everydae. n oh ya ppl, I GT A NEW HAIR CUT. LOL i tink its o.........k. i look even more busok nw. bt thanx to dearest boify, he'll make it look much betta. onli weneva im w him. so ya ppl, if u happen to c me ard w/o my boify, ull xpect to c my hair clipd up in all sorts of diretions. LOL y did i decide to cut it at e 1st place?? oh ya cz i tot it was sooo busok n dry n sooo unlike narnia. i mish my old hair already la. haha u c. ------->
n N its my bdae 2dae!! wee~ thank u 4 e bdae wishes ppl!! ok i sudnt haf said anytink abt nani's n along's dae cz it'll end up lyk their's. ok worst! haha but boify surprised me by havin tis beautiful flower arrangement send to my hse b4 i gt hm frm work. wanna c??

lawa kan?? e taddy so soft la. e 1st tink i did wen i saw it?? msged him la duh den i started countin e chocos! LOL there's tis tink abt me n chocos btw, 4 starters. hehe awww~ swt kan die. haiz. i feel lyk goin over to his camp n huggin him la. bt 1. i dunnoe how to gt to nee soon. 2. dun be nutz sab. wat wud u sae?? "ermm hi any muhd haffidz ard? ya im his gf n itz my bdae 2dae so im here to juz thank him 4 e beautiful pressie n uber touchin card n gif him a great big hug n den ill b off."? 3. i cant go to his camp la. to fetch him aje bleh lah. *slap forehead*

p/s: thank u again 4 e beautiful flowers yang. n e card. i love you soo much w all my heart la yang. XOXO

to all of my galfrens.
i tink im goin 2 organize a few search party. haf u ppl fallen off e edge of e earth? r u still alive? is everytink ok? bcoz if its nt, i haf e rite 2 noe. ur supposed to confide in me bcoz im ur fren. n its e law. n if tinks r ok n alrite den contact me anw. again, im ur fren n i need gossips!! tts section 2 of e same law. we all used to be soo close bt den tinks change. i understand we r all sooo bz w tis new phase of our lives nw. work, money, boyfrens n responsibilities. n im nt sayin all tis juz coz its my bdae n im expectin wishes, seriously im nt, n i noe i usually cun make it wen outings r organized. *guilty as charged* bt its juz i mish u all soo much. kin, ur juz opposite. we haf even more reasons to be in contact. hana, i noe we both haf e worst social hrs cz of our workin hrs bt i need to hear frm u also. how r u n shah gettin on, ur family all. ili, u noe i love u 2 bits n i dun eva wanna lose a galfren as krek-krek as u. where to get 1 lyk u? or wait, r u nt lyk tt nw?? tok to me galfren. amal, i noe there was tis time wen we used to disagree w each other bt still, i dun wanna any of us givin e other e "im-ok-w-it-already-bt-im-givin-her-the-cold-shoulder-juz-in-case". zah, gawd i dun even noe wat ur doin nw. write to me, ring me, email me, text me. or u ppl cud do all those tinks. juz do anytink to let me noe tt im still a fren n tt ur still walkin e earth. missing u. gawd i sound so desperate.

yea! i'm finally done with my nytes

2007-12-17T20:57:00.001+08:00

yea! im finally done w my nytes. gawd hope e nxt one wun b anytime soon. nyte ppl r so anti-social. ape ke tidak, u go hm, slp den wake up n go to work again. n ive turn into a BG since. i dun wish to b tt always.

boify's postin will onli b out on e 22nd. *fingers crossed* meanwhile im enjoyin evry single min w him. =oD as long as im w him, ill b great. missing him already.

and i want to thank you for all the ways.

2007-12-14T12:33:00.001+08:00

and i want to thank you for all the ways.
i wud luv to go out n meet boify b4 startin my nite, i miss him soooo much. boify da "pop-oh!" n so he's at hm holiday-ing. sigh. he's insistin i haf at least 8 hrs of slp cz of nite duty. 8 hrs, isnt tt abit too long? im hapi enough gettin at least 6 if i cud. n its nt lyk everydae i get to spend time w him. by tue he's off to his postin. so wats a few hrs of slp compared to being w him. even e scantest moment of joy r worth e pain tt follows. sigh. can we fast forward e yrs to 14th sep 2009 den to 2012/2013 pls. den we'll carry on frm there. imagine, such bliss. ~u are all i longed for. all i worship n adore. im listening to "this love" n "fly me to the moon" while typin all tis. n i remembered how i used to start cryin at e sound of these 2. LOL imbas kembali sejarah lama.

i realized how unfair i've made it all sound. ok she's may b abit ...... but lookin at it as a completely objective 3rd party outsider w absolutely no personal intrest in e matter, she's my mum. hu m i w/o her. but she's juz so argh! ! i noe ey sae u'll be xactly lyk ur parents wen ur a parent urself but i seriously hope nt. i dun want to be shoutin my head off, being unreasonable n always haf tt "im-right" attitude towards my children. no i'll try nt to be tt. so my children wun even haf e chance to sae 2 his/her frenz their mother's much betta. or y cant my mum be lyk tt. or worst, i noe, im guilty at tis part, wished tt other woman was his/her mother instead n be jealous of tt lucky fren.

i'm not that strong without you.

2007-12-09T15:36:00.001+08:00

im not that strong without you.
juz nw juz proves it more. i wish i cud b w my boify. he'd make it all betta. ppl keep askin me m i ok m i ok. i look ok dun i bt well actualli im nt veri well at all thank u. im feelin depressed n it pisses me off wen ppl sae time is a healer wen at e same time ey also sae absence makes e heart grow fonder, which realli confuses me bt i dun care. i juz want my boify. i miss him n how lost my life seems w/o him. how uninterested i m in gettin on w tinks w/o him n i'll juz go 2 work while countin dwn e hrs till i cn hear his voice on e fon again. i deliberately tink abt him everynite wishin i wud dream swt dreams abt him later. i even used e same mist n perfume. n weneva i caught a whiff of e familiar smell, ill mish him even more. =o(

happy birthday, happy birthday to yooouuu.
hapi bdae 17th minah. gawd hope my bdae wun b b lyk ur's n along's. pity u ppl. at least tt brat, sakura enjoyed her's. LOL pressie nnti wen i get my pay. dw wateva it is, i wun make it sound lyk as if id use up all my savings. =op YEA!! next up, my turn!! 17 more daes to my bdae! wee~

and so.

2007-12-02T11:03:00.001+08:00

and so along gt engaged. im havin a brother in-law soon. surprisingly im nt exactly tt *xcited shrill* abt it. LOL cz they've been together 4 soo long n so it didnt haf any great impact. on me tt is. ok tt doesnt sound rite. hehe. n i realize most of e gals in nasrom's family look like along. SERIOUSLY!! shrug. guess tts jodoh. LOL mcm paham je sab.

n so im feelin depressed cz i cun send dear boify off. =,0( i miss him.

i sit here thinking about you.

2007-11-27T19:27:00.001+08:00

i sit here thinking about you.
its interestin how sumtimes my tots can go into ur head. found it freaky e very 1st time. e time wen i wanted to collect ur watch 4 u. sumhow it manage to gt to u e dae b4. damn~ hehe bt y nw out of all e tinks im thinkin abt, all those bt me needin e toilet badly manage to gt thru? pfft~ how embarassin. n i didnt even breathe a word bt it. realli! =o(P im missin u yang. cn ey stp all tt drill trg by 2030 pls? i want my boify.

i gif up!! i dunnoe wt else m i suppose to do w my hair. gawd! if there is such tink as world's horrible hair award, ill gt it 4 sure. *roll eyes* n e reason y i seem to gt easily irritated these few daes is bcoz im hungry! i cun eat anytink w/o havin to be in pain. i cant even drink my fav milk tea. humph! i hate tis la.

my world revolves around him and only him.

2007-11-21T19:33:00.001+08:00

my world revolves around him and only him.
cn ns lyk haf AL on top of all PHs? where u cud choose e date n duration of e leave. wun it be great. tt way more time cud b spend 2gther. boify n i cud do e tinks we used to do in e past which i soo mish very much n he cud also b hm w his parents more. haiz. =op( anw i dunnoe y bt i actuali m jealous of all e females in boify's world, past n present. sometimes. ...... *thinkin* LOL crap, i noe.

if i can find the reason, e moment i should have turned left instead of right or said yes instead of no, then i'll be able to understand what i did wrong.

im addicted to mariah carey yt again. anw told u i hate off daes. n its even more depressin nw coz skul's out. bluek. and 2 top tt off, boify's out shootin. the whole dae. i mish him already. hope he did well n tt he's alrite. *fingers crossed* gawd i hate her sometimes. e small brat. she's onli 7 n already she's capable of irritatin e hell out of ppl. i dun want to imagine how she will be like say hmm 10 yrs frm nw?? *shudder*

ku rindu wajah dan senyuman mu.

2007-11-15T17:26:00.001+08:00

ku rindu wajah dan senyuman mu.
boify's back!! argh!!! *run up n dwn e room* my boify's back!! *hyperventilatin* wee~ i mish him sooo sooo sooo sooo much la. to even hear his voice back is soooo *slow sigh*. cz yea!! sayang da balik!!! YEA!! =oD

do you know how lucky i am to have you in my life?

2007-11-12T15:24:00.001+08:00

do you know how lucky i am to have you in my life?

" ... E3. n i tot ur 1 unfriendly guy hu's not doin his job ..."

roll eyes~ ur still a meet to believe yang. muacks.

" ... family forensic. banglas. mangoes. black stockings. heels. n being tall ..."

we talked lyk as if weve known each other 4 soo long. i still think i talk alot sumtimes n tt i sud shut up.

" ... wat time is ur flight? i dunnoe. i havent gt any flights yet ..."

LOL u didnt noe ur flight eta n u still cud cum over to gogo franks? im glad u did cz wen u left, i cant believe ur e 1 i talked to on e fon last nite. *fannin*

" ... we sudnt plan to go send our watches for repair w/o crossin our fingers ..."

coz ur umi was admitted to sgh. while ur parents were at malacca, rite? ur parents didnt noe den. do ey noe nw? =0)

" ... gogo franks. subway. chix macaroni. egg tarts. auntie anne's. cold storage. csi while at bk. delifrance in 27. staff entrance. north n south wing. sunflower garden. staff canteen. carpark ..."

i mish those. e tinks we had n did. nw, each time i c any tourism ads, im reminded of changi airport t2 n my boify n how it all started.

" ... long bus rides. ikea. movies. sentosa. fort cannin. hougang. pasir ris ..."

all e tinks i dun tink ill get bored doin. no matter how often. as long as ur wif me.

i wonder wat ur doin nw b n i seriously hope ur doin alrite. i mish boify dreadfully. =,o( boohoohoo sob sob sniff sniff can u cum back hm n nt go back? i mish my boify. sniff

1 more month to p.o.p

2007-11-11T12:44:00.002+08:00

1 more month to p.o.p
i hate off daes. n 2dae is onli my 1st. gawd sum1 help me pls. *beggin* if mak is nt as demandin n irritatin as tis, im sure ill enjoy off daes to e fullest. 2 more wks to pay dae n im already broke! another reason y i hate off daes.

i miss my boify!! boohoohoo sob sob sniff sniff

beauty is more then surface effect.

2007-11-10T12:39:00.001+08:00

beauty is more then surface effect.
ur 2 fav gals askd abt u 2dae. i miss u even more den em yang. n ey juz dun understand y im sprayin lotz n lots of ur, my perfume onto my neck. u noe y kn yang? winks~

mak decide to let us slp w e aircon back on nw. lyk ?? shrug. out of all daes. im perfectly fine w e fan btw mum. anw hapi 7th bdae u brat!! hope u had lotz of fun messin up e hse w all tt goodies n e cake. pfft~ chicky bag? gaji. wateva tt it.

absence make the heart grow fonder.

2007-11-09T12:37:00.001+08:00

absence make the heart grow fonder.
y m i feelin lyk as if im gettin ready to meet u? ... lyk as if u haf yet to start ns n we r goin out to spend e whole dae together. lyk yst was ur book out dae n im meetin u 2dae. lyk im on am shift todae n i'm meetin u afta work later to send u off. wen actual fact i juz saw u yst n i wun be seein u nt till nxt sat. sigh. tis is so depressin. i hate ns.

the days are going by and your sitting on your ass and your wondering why.

2007-11-05T17:58:00.001+08:00

the days are going by and your sitting on your ass and your wondering why.
i hate bein in e room, on e bed 4 e whole of e remainin of e dae. i feel lyk an invalid. bt i dun wish to be out either. cz i cun walk ard e hse, doin stuff w/o gettin any of bapak's (yes bapak too nw!) or mak's constant bla bla bla at me. so e door of my room is e onli tink tts shuttin em up. =o(P n moments lyk tis, i wish i haf an endless supply of all my comfort foods. imagine. den i wun complain anymore, i promise. btw cn sum1 pls help me do sumtink bt my hair? its no more lyk narnia. i lyk being called tt. sound so cute bt no its worst nw. atrocious ya tts it. it onli looks nice weneva its nt expected to. =o( gawd sab ur such a whiner.

i think he knew.
i hate sundays. its even more depressin den any other daes combined. =0(P im fine on my own reali but i realized im utterly n completely dependent on him. my world revolves ard him alone. i want my boify.

i feel so uninspired cause my head is battling with my body.

2007-11-01T19:08:00.001+08:00

i feel so uninspired cause my head is battling with my body.
i mish listenin to "This Love by Alicia Pan". so i re-arranged my playlist. =o) n N N!!! i tink ive put on weight. cz ward's goin to b full hse very soon n e workload is gettin ... n ... evrydae. ill b too tired to even tink of how to move once i reach hm so ill juz stay in bed n indulge on all my all-time comfort foods. craps tt is. den da ngantok, tdo ah. cm tk paham gitu kan. tak ke mcm bdk gemok tu. aiyo. *slap forehead* but but BUT!! i still haf choco, strawberry sundae n those lil swt treats boify mummy added in along w e kueh tarts. yum yum. *lick lips* =op(

anyone who ever loves anyone truly loves them because of their indefinable essence. not because they conform to some checklist.
HAPI 4TH HANDSOME!! =o ) muacks. 4!! *xcited shrill* i love u w all my <3>

n to dearest ili izyani, adv HAPPY 20TH!! I MISH U LA GIRLFRIEND!! enjoy ur dae. tc ha fun. love u gile!!

some is not number. soon is not a time.

2007-10-25T19:19:00.001+08:00

some is not a number. soon is not a time.
please don't let sakura get to me? surprisingly n thankfully, she's nt quite. but i didnt expect mak to. she wasnt tis irritatin b4. nw, pfft~. n it seems nth is eva enough till she gets 1/2 of wat im bringin hm. 1/2?! how m i suppose to survive b4 e nxt one w e other 1/2 cam tu?! *roll eyes* n i hate my week so far. since tt it-tt-shall-nt-be-talk-about, im startin to feel very very xtremely sigh. evrydae wen workin i cant help but to look ard n tink to myself wt ppl might tink of me nw, rite den n there. its lyk im not in trouble but i m in trouble. im nt scared but i m scared. im dead but im nt dead. u get me? haiz.
n is it juz me or r we growin apart frm each other? i mish my gals. i mish hana.

even the scantest moment of joy is worth the loneliness that follows.
I MISH BOIFY CN!! *hyperventilatin* damn. i mish 27, i mish gogo franks, begawan solo eggtarts, north n south wing, staff entrance, sentosa, fort canning, movies, n all those endless fun we used to haf evrydae. sigh. =o(

destiny is not a matter of chance.

2007-10-17T20:54:00.001+08:00

destiny is not a matter of chance. it is a matter of choice. it is not a thing to be waited for. it is a thing to be achieved.
insecurity was a pointless emotion n one tt i tried nt to suffer4rm. i haf sum1 hu loves me w evry single beat of his heart, hu tinks of me constantly, hu spends evry min of evrydae juz wonderin wat im doin, where i m, hu im wif & if im ok, 4 tt. but den y nw? issit juz me? feelin lyk i dun gif enough. juz wantin more from myself. is tt it?? sigh.
i dun tink i can imagine life w/o u 4rm e moment u walkd into my world. i noe i want 2 spend e rest of my life w u, even more nw tt i noe wats its lyk 2 b w/o u.

sexy now. sexy man.
1st in e platoon. 12th in e company. WOOHOO~ tk ke power ke tu. didnt call u mr muscle 4 nth noe. *winks* ~relaku mengejarmu seribu batu jauh lagi~ remember tt song tt i used 2 sing? how to nw?? nnt u ke mane i baru kt mane. pfft~

never say never.

2007-10-10T11:45:00.001+08:00

never say never.
ya, do tt. replace tt word w sumtink else. bt never sae never. cz if u knew den, wat u noe now, ull start to realise tt sumtimes its best never to say never. *winks*

king of hearts.
you can never be best friends with the mistress. juz haf enough to nt haf e urge to ermm i dunnoe. hehe n it doesnt make any diff if i haf e bez w me la yang, u still haf e new mistress w u. how unfair. HUMPH *roll eyes* n ill finish up all e mb tts left. ull c. =o p if nt enough, ill b more den willin 2 delete all ur other songs n put in mine. *cruel laugh* there wun b much impact on u pun kn boify. ur new mistress can easily fix all tt up. rite yang? tsk. *winks* ok lah kiddin je cn. u noe me. =oP( im happy enough havin ur psp + e tt blue pouch. *slow sigh* n i wun b usin up all mb tts left. coz 1. i cant tink of anymore nice songs. 2. ull den noe wat an outdated girlfriend u haf if u start checkin my tunes out. so ya. =o)

happy birthday, happy birthday to you!!
anw along, hapi 21st!! wat borin dae u havin. GAWD. pressie bile gaji. i tink. LOL.

because your arms, they keep away the lonely

2007-10-03T19:26:00.001+08:00

because your arms, they keep away the lonely.
all tt he's goin thru rite nw, i wish i cud do sumtink to make it all betta. cz it doesnt seem rite gtu kan. nt doin anytink. lyk feel so useless. haiz. anw i tink im in dire need of a bit of TLC. it came back after boify wen back in. i was ok wen i was boify. ya, dun haf to tink already. i m in dire need of a bit of TLC. =o( i want my boify. sob sob sniff sniff.

i can't show you what i mean so i'll just write it out

2007-10-01T22:23:00.001+08:00

i can't show you what i mean so i'll just write it out
parents, irritatin. it goes w e territory. n if u were to judge, on a scale of 1 - 10, 1 being e most irritatin n 10 bein e least, my parents, ey'll b at -0. doesnt apply much to my dad but 4 my mum, she's tt. no doubt.
ok 4gt bt irritatin- ness. lets tok abt nt bein understandin. my mum, she's worst wen it cums to tt topic. gawd. i dun understand her most of e time. i wonder sumtimes does she even noe how to at e 1st place. i tink she's too caught up w e fact tt she MUST win in everytink n tt wateva it is, she'll always b rite. ALWAYS. no matter how very wrong she is. she dun frickin care bt wat u tink. she dun even want to hear 1 word of it. to her, to even attempt, is a sign of rudeness. scream at e top of ur lungs to compete w her volume to gt ur point across n she'll outdo u. cry ur eyes out while doin tis if u dare. she'll make sure u'll b very sori. n if u still tink u haf sum chances left on winnin, 4gt it. she'll sae hurtful words n do tinks 2 threaten u 2 gif up. believe me, u wudnt want to noe wat.
n e war goes on until u simply haf to surrender coz ur tooo tired or dissapointed or angry at e fact tt my mum's juz lyk tt. n where's my dad wen all tis is in motion u might ask. he'll b there glarin at e wrg party, in most cases its my mum, n will juz keep quiet. onli if e matter gets out of hand will his boomin voice be heard.
pardon me. im nt tryin to make it sound lyk my mum is sum undescriable mum w tt even more undescriable attitude but tts her. she may cum out as a sportin, fun-lovin mum to all of our frenz but all of u r actuali misled. she's e complete opposite. worst den alter-ego. bt sampai bile nk asyik cam ni? kepale ku pusing sik pikirkan hari2. y muz she always b lyk tis? she neva unlearn n re-learn. tts y she dun progress. but y? susah sgt ke jadi humble sumtimes? tak kan. GAWD.
my tearful nites tis past few daes r all cause of her. plus i mish my boify too. i seriously dunnoe wat 2 do.

as 4 starters, my mum quit her job months ago. basically e reason was to stay home n further fulfill her role as a mum. she'll b there to cook, gt e house in order n be there for sakura. PFFT~ or so she tink n sae. but she forget abt e fact tt she haf 1/2 of e responsibilities waitin 4 her tt needed prompt attention. n i noe its suppose to be my dad's wen it cums to all tis but she's been helpin all tis while. she cudnt juz let go of eveytink n let my dad handle it alone. at least wait till my elder sis n me r more settled in our full time job to even delegate it all to us.
n tis past few daes, anytink n everytink r all nt rite to her. there'll be more rollin eyes, hyperventilatin behind closed doors n screamin as e daes past. but i juz dun understand her. she's there e whole dae at home n wat does she ever do?? nothin. e house gets messier n messier by e hrs. all thanx to her most beloved daughter, our lil sis, e brat. tt gal, she's spoiled to e core by none other den her. n wen we all reach home, tired frm e dae's work, she'll be screamin n naggin our ears out on e fact tt no 1 started e cleanin. BUT WAT IS SHE DOIN E WHOLE DAE AT HOME?! she doesnt clean. havent started makin e kuehs. nothing. and she cant possibly xpect us to drop everytink n do wateva tt needs to be done once we reach home. she cant wait for me to start makin e kuehs. n cook for e family. i will b too tired. n even wen i did, ade aje yg tak kene. "kueh kau pucat ah. letak colourin ah.(u cant do tt nnt kueh keras, DUH!) asal masak minyak sikit. asal api kecik." asal tu asal ni. jgn buat gtu. jgn buat gini. EH KALAU CAKAP BANYAK SGT, DUN ASK ME TO DO IT AT E 1ST PLACE. DO EVERYTINK URSELF SO TT U'LL BE SATISFIED. N NOT WORI WHETHER I'LL B BURNIN E FRICKING HOUSE DOWN!! OR WORRY N I PUTTIN IN OTHER TINKS TT R NT SUPPOSE TO BE IN!! *HYPERVENTILATIN* i dun mean to be rude or complain but seriously org semua penat kan. ingat tak penat ke. to be on ur feet frm 8-5 n onli gettin my well deserved break onli wen everytink's settled. in most cases tt'll be ard 1+ 2. to sit infront of e comp all office hrs n to be in skul till 6 everydae cz 2nd major exam's round e corner. plus we r fastin. nt tt we dun want to help. den wat abt her part?? wat is she frickin doin at home?! can she juz ans me tt minus all e shoutin n hyperventilatin. seriously.
n she keep sayin we dun lyk sakura coz everydae every1's raisin their voice at her. but we cant help it. nth gts into tt brat's head. she's nt even scared of our dad. ape tah lagi kite. jgn ckp sal mak lah. tt is so out of e topic. sakura wun be lyk tis if mak didnt spoil her at e 1st place. its either tt or she'll be sayin " kalau korang dah tak suke tinggal ngan mak, kluar.mentang2 da pandai cari hasil." *hyperventilate* sakit hati + sedih kan to hear ur own mum sae tt. im on e verge of hatin her.
n seriously i dun haf e mood to raye tis yr. there's far too many tinks tt needs my attention rather den enjoyin myself on tt glorious dae. n u noe there were daes i tot i cud just run away frm home , lyk wat she said, n escape frm all tis. bt i wun haf anywhere to go. ok la duit bole cari but i wun haf anywhere to go. no, i certainly cant do tt. tts so out of e qns. do tt n face e consequences later? nvm i'll pass. god noes wat she'll do to u.
so can sumone pls throw me a reason. y is my mum lyk tis? can i juz haf a mum hu's understandin n supportive. 1 hu cud sit dwn n tok tinks out w n bein able to compromise.

i fully intend to be the one you'll be spending the rest of your life with.
hapi 3rd boify!! =o) i love you w all my heart. always. missing u badly. kalau la i cud run away n go to u, heaven~ but haiz. n u pass ur rifle handlin test. woohoo b~ 5/53? wow no bad no bad feeweet. hehe. i luv u la! alot alot. XOXOXO

i want to give my all.

2007-09-18T22:06:00.001+08:00

i want to give my all.
help. *meek feeble lil voice* gawd my legs. here i go again~ n im silently countdwn-ing till boify book out. =0) 1 wk n 3 more daes. i mish him lyk crazy cn. waitin 4 him to call in a few mins time. meanwhile im goin to juz sit here n gt my well deserved rest. sigh.
~ there will neva cum a dae when . . . ~
oh yea its him!!

assist and don't hinder. suppose but don't oppose. help and listen but don't do.

2007-09-16T19:32:00.001+08:00

assist and dont hinder. support but dont oppose. help and listen but dont do.
i start work 2mwr. cn u believe it. wish me luck ppl. *fingers crossed* im soooo bored sittin all dae at home for e past 2 daes, its givin me headaches. imagine. i cant actually wait to start work juz so i haf a reason 2 get out of e house. n speakin of reason, I MISH BOIFY LYK CRAZY!! its cry-coz-i-mish-him hrs instead of nites or daes nw. sigh. n i added my songs in his psp, nw there's onli 120mb left. shit! i'll b sooo dead den. =op( n i need to learn how to reply to his mum informally each time she msgd me. GAWD.

and the day finally.

2007-09-14T20:49:00.001+08:00

and the dae finally came.
send boify off with his mum n umi. so segan. parents r neva my forte. but i lyk em. his mum n umi i mean. shrug. tah eh. ey r lyk nice, sportin ppl. n i tried my very bez nt to lose it. n so i didnt cry. frm e time we took e bus to e ferry terminal until i said my goodbyes to his mum n umi afta e bus drop us visitors back at pasir ris int. i feel so proud for boify but at e same time i wish i cud fall dwn on my knees n beg him to run away n go back hm w us. ni la matair yg paling gile dlm dunia. sab. sniff sniff. n he sudnt haf askd me to hold on 2 his psp while he's in. as much as i lyk watchin e videos, listening to all e songs, going thru all e pics n playin e games in e psp, i cant bear to even touch it wen im home. juz e sight of it. n cz of it im cryin up till nw. GAWD. gt a grip la sab.

i know we'll be alright. i will stay with you.

2007-09-13T01:56:00.001+08:00

i know we'll be alright. i will stay with you.
i havent been updatin. n i have yet to start work!! argh!! *palpitations* anw been out w boify since last sat. on sat i played my very 1st, yes ppl, FIRST try at pool. n it was fun. can we haf a go at it again?? pls. =oP( den afta tt e both of us met up w faizal & ain n we're off to m.o.s. yet another of my FIRST time bein in e trance room. GAWD e music there was blastin can. louder den e smoove rm. seriously. so saturdae was fun n partially scary. tsk. on mon we had dinner at simpang bedok n off to katong for lan gaming. lan gamin, was so-so. i still prefer ps, psp. =o) bt it was fun tryin sumtink new. tue we were off to sentosa to cycle n swim. wee~ den caught no reservations at vivo. n den todae, we caught ratatouille. did i spelt tt rite? oh well. shrug. i had fun. all thanx 2 boify. =o)

all tt were part of my desperate attempts to 4gt e fact tt he'll be in on fri n i wun be seein him 4 e nxt 3 wks. haiz. rite nw anyting tt belongs to him tt im holdin on 2, tt needs returnin back, i feel lyk scribblin my name in bold lettas, pastin our pic, write dwn our fav quotes, anytink, anytink at all to let him always remember bt me. to make my existence linger. 2 let him noe tt i'll b here always. anytink at all. bt i noe, its no use. even if i were to do all tt, he wun be able to bring it all in. plus he'll be too tired n bz w trainings 2 even haf e time to go thru all tt n be reminded of me. e world dun revolve ard u sab. i noe. there's his parents, other family members n friends too. n its nt tt i like cryin in front of him 4 e past daes. e last tink i want is to be seen as 1 nutcase, weak girlfriend. but i cant help it u c. e tears juz cum at e very sound or sight of sumtink tts very significant to me. tt i noe i'll mish soo soo very much. im tryin very hard here. seriously i m. n i can take a million pictures of him, hug him xtra tighter at e end of each dae, try to capture n remember his smell n touch bt by fri, it'll change everything. dun b lyk tis sab. its hard on his part too. its either sooner or later. he still haf 2 go thru it all.

and than if you can remember.

2007-09-07T22:16:00.001+08:00

and than if you can remember.
i didnt noe signin contract n collectin uniform cud b tt fun. or den again, mayb coz i wasnt alone. naz was there too! gawd i mish my class. e whole lot of em. sigh. and so im startin work on e 17th! *xcited shrill* =o) bt fingers crossed, fingers crossed. coz i gt 7A. n kin's word of advice? b mentally prepared of e staffs. God pls. let it nt b as bad as it sounds. *silently prayin*

wish you were here.
i mish boify soo much.

never forget what that somebody says to you when they are angry.

2007-09-04T19:32:00.001+08:00

never forget what that somebody says to you when they are argry.
sure in a fit of temper hurtful words cud b hurled. n den after all tt, all those r nt suppose to mean anytink? y sae it at e 1st if ey r nt even tinkin it rite? so in a way it is all true.

what breaks you?

without a doubt you are my everything. will always be.

2007-09-02T22:10:00.001+08:00

without a doubt you are my everything. will always be.
hapi 2nd ann boify!! i love u soo much. yst, it was all great. ultra fun-ness. =0) sigh. sob sob.

what if.
im so nt in e bez mood rite nw. how do i describe it. shitty? pissed? paranoid? sad? all mixed together? shrug. n i hate it la. been havin it since fri. its nt tt i hate cryin every nite cz i mish him. no. neither do i love it 2. dun gt me wrg. im nt complainin. but tt undescribable feelin, cn it nt cum afta e sobbin? i cant cry & scream evrytink out at e same time. bt .... cn sumbody pls throw me a reason. *roll eyes*

have you ever dreamt being in my place? even for a minute?

2007-08-27T21:18:00.001+08:00

have you ever dreamt being in my place? even for a minute?
2 times, i counted. 2 out of e ppl whom r closest to me mysteriously flounced frm my presence 2dae. moments lyk tt, i wish i cud read minds n make em understand. seriously. sulk.

have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart? but you dont know what to say and you dont know where to start?
dun eva hold back. to be brave is to love sum1 unconditionally, w/o expectin anytink in return. juz gif all of u. tt takes alot of courage coz u wun want to fall flat on e face or leave urself exposed to hurt.

and today, i'm officially missing you.
i wud love to tuck in bed rite nw w tt cecelia ahern bk while msgin boify. i mish him la. sigh.

IM BACK!!

2007-08-25T23:48:00.001+08:00

IM BACK!!! i mish bloggin lh. seriously. so here i m nw. =o) n im bored at hm. tts y. togok-ing DAIM nw. realli. so tis all xplains it.GAWD. and i juz finish bakin. cucakes any1? HUMPH. i noe i noe. i wun b tis free soon. but shrug. oh well. tt'll b later. till den, ill continue postin craps.
=0)
anw i mish boify la. SIGH. bein reminded of him each time i enter my kitchen. y? coz i spilled e whole bottle of vanilla essence tadi. SULK.
N SORI IF E SONG TTS PLAYIN NW ISNT TO UR LIKIN. i find it cute though. =oD